Drunk: "Hey, you gonna toast unification with me?  Six years today, the
Alliance sent the Browncoats runnin', pissin' their pants... You know, your
coat is kinda a brownish color."

Mal: "It was on sale."

%
Mal: "We're not gonna die. We can't die, Bendis. You know why? Because we
are so...very...pretty. We are just too pretty for God to let us die."

%
Wash: "Everything looks good from here... (beat...playing with plastic
dinosaurs over his console) Yes. Yes, this is a fertile land, and we will
thrive." 
(as Stegosaurus) "We will rule over all this land, and we will call it...
'This Land'."
(as T-Rex) "I think we should call it...your grave!" 
(Stegosaurus) "Ah, curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!"
(T-Rex) "Ha ha HA! Mine is an evil laugh...now die!"

%
Mal: "I don't believe there's a power in the 'verse that can stop Kaylee
from being cheerful." (he smiles at her, never stopping working) "Sometimes
you just wanna duct tape her mouth and dump her in the hold for a month."

%
Jayne: "Ten percent of nuthin' is...let me do the math here...nuthin' into
nuthin'...carry the nuthin'..."

%
Mal: "If anyone gets nosy, just...you know... shoot 'em. "

Zoe: "Shoot 'em?"

Mal: "Politely."

%
Book: "I brought you some supper but if you'd prefer a lecture, I've a few
very catchy ones prepped...sin and hellfire... one has lepers."

%
Jayne: "Testing, testing. Captain, can you hear me?"

Mal: "I'm standing right here."

Jayne: "You're coming through good and loud."

Mal: " 'Cause I'm standing right here."

%
Mal: "Well, you were right about this being a bad idea."

Zoe: "Thanks for sayin', sir."

%
Mal: "Say that to my face."

Man: I said, you're a coward, and a pisspot.  Now what are you going to do?

Mal: "I just wanted you to face me so she could get behind you." (Zoe
punches the thug out) "Drunks are so cute."

%
Mal: 
(into com) "Wash, we've got some local color happening. Your grand
entrance would not go amiss right now."

%
(Zoe, Mal, and Jayne are backed up against the edge of a cliff by a bunch of
drunken brawlers)

Mal: "There's just an acre of you fellas, ain't there?" (to Zoe) "This is
why we lost, you know. Superior numbers." 

Zoe: "Thanks for the re-enactment, sir."

%
Mal: "Well they tell you: never hit a man with a closed fist. But it is, on
occasion, hilarious." 

%
Mal: "Well, what about you, Shepherd? How come you're flying about with us
brigands? I mean, shouldn't you be off bringing religiosity to the
Fuzzie-Wuzzies or some such?" 

Book: "Oh, I got heathens aplenty right here." 

Mal: "If I'm your mission, Shepherd, best give it up. You're welcome on my
boat. God ain't." 

%
Inara: (pissed) "What did I say to you about barging into my shuttle?"

Mal: "That it was manly and impulsive?"

Inara: "Yes, precisely. Only the exact phrase I used was 'don't'."

%
Mal: "And Kaylee, what the hell's goin' on in the engine room? Were there
monkeys? Some terrifying space monkeys maybe got loose?"

%
Jayne: "Time for some thrilling heroics."

%
Jayne: "These are stone killers, little man. They ain't cuddly like me."

%
Zoe: "Proximity alert. Must be coming up on something." 

Wash: (alarmed) "Oh my god. What can it be? We're all doomed! Who's flying
this thing!?" (deadpan) "Oh right, that would be me. Back to work." 

%
Kaylee: "Looks like they've jerry-rigged it with a pressure catch. It's the
only thing that'd work with all these spare parts. We could probably bypass
that easy, we get to the DC line." 

Mal: "You tell me right now, little Kaylee, you really think you can do
this?" 

Kaylee: "Sure. Yeah. I think so. 'Sides, if I mess up, not like you'll be
able to yell at me." 

%
Alliance Commander: "You fought with Captain Reynolds in the war?" 

Zoe: "Fought with a lot of people in the war." 

Alliance Commander: "And your husband?" 

Zoe: "Fight with him sometimes, too." 

%
Alliance Commander: "Seems odd you'd name your ship after a battle you were
on the wrong side of." 

Mal: "May have been the losing side. Still not convinced it was the wrong
one." 

%
Jayne: "You saved his gorram life, he still takes the cargo. Hwoon dahn."
[Hwoon dahn = "jerk"] 

Mal: "He had to.... Couldn't let us profit. Wouldn't be civilized." 

%
Wash: (Off an alarm sounding from the console) "Closing in." 

Zoe: "Planet's coming up a mite fast." 

Wash: "That's just cause I'm going down too quick. Likely crash and kill
us all." 

Mal: "Well, that happens, let me know." 

%
Kaylee: (pointing to a pink frilly dress) "Say, look at the fluffy one!" 

Zoe: "Too much foofaraw. If I'm going to wear a dress, I'd want something
with some slink." 

Wash: "You want a slinky dress? I can buy you a slinky dress. Captain, can I
have money for a slinky dress?" 

Jayne: "I'll chip in." 

Zoe: (to Jayne) "I can hurt you." 

%
Kaylee: "I like the ruffles.  Inara gets to wear whatever she wants.

Mal: "What are you going to do in that rig?  Flounce around the engine room? 
Be like a sheep walking on its hind legs"

(Kaylee storms off)

Zoe: "See ya on the ship, Captain."

%
Mal: "Does, uh... does this seem kind of tight?" 

Kaylee: "Shows off your backside. Did you see the chandelier? It's moving." 

%
Kaylee: "These girls have the most beautiful dresses. And so do I-- how
'bout that!" 

Mal: "Yeah, well, just be careful. We cheated Badger out of good money to
buy that frippery, and you're supposed to make me look respectable." 

Kaylee: "Yessir, Captain Tight Pants." 

%
Mal: "Okay, help me find our man; he's supposed to be older. Kind of stocky,
wears a red sash crossways." 

Kaylee: "Why does he do that?" 

Mal: "Maybe he won the Miss Persephone pageant. Just help me look." 

%
Harrow: "I know him. And I think he's a psychotic lowlife." 

Mal: "And I think calling him that is an insult to the psychotic lowlife
community." 

%
Kaylee: "I'm not saying the 80-04's hard to repair, it just ain't worth it."

Older farmer: "It's a fine machine, you just keep it tuned. "

Kaylee: [Tsai boo shr. - "That's not it."] "The extenders ain't braced. "

Murphy: "I've been telling him to buy the 80-10 for years."

Kaylee: "Those 'tenders snap off, don't matter how good the engine's
cycling."

Younger farmer: "Miss Kaylee, I wonder if I could request the honor of.... "

Murphy: (interrupting) "Wait a minute. Let her talk. She's talking.
 Dance later. "

Kaylee: "By the way, the 80-10's the same machine, they just changed the
plating and hope no one noticed. "

(The men laugh, obviously charmed)

%
Inara: "Attack." (Mal lunges at her with sword; she sidesteps and swats him
on the butt; he grunts in pain) "How did I avoid that?" 

Mal: "By being fast like a freak?" 

%
Harrow: "You have to finish it, lad. You have to finish it. For a man to lay
beaten... and yet breathing? It makes him a coward." 

Inara: "It's humiliation." 

Mal: "Sure. It would be humiliating. Having to lie there while the better
man refuses to spill your blood. Mercy is the mark of a great man. (lightly
stabs Atherton with the sword) Guess I'm just a good man. (stabs him again)
Well, I'm all right." 

%
Harrow: "You didn't have to wound the man." 

Mal: "Yeah, I know, it was just funny." 

%
Inara: "Thank you for the wine. It's very... fresh." 

Mal: "To Kaylee, and her inter-engine fermentation system."

%
Inara: "Are you in pain?" 

Mal: "Absolutely. I got stabbed, you know. Right here." 

Inara: "I saw." 

Mal: "Don't care much for fancy parties. Too rough." 

Inara: "It wasn't entirely a disaster." 

Mal: "I got stabbed! Right here!" 

%
Mal: "So, she's added cussing and hurling about of things to her repertoire.
She really is a prodigy." 

Simon: "It's just a bad day." 

Mal: "No, a bad day is when someone's yellin' spooks the cattle. Understand?
You ever see cattle stampede when they got no place to run? It's kind of
like a...a meat grinder. And it'll lose us half the herd." 

Simon: "She hasn't gone anywhere near the cattle." 

Mal: "No, but in case you hadn't noticed, her voice kinda carries. We're two
miles above ground and they can probably hear her down there. Soon as we
unload, she can holler until our ears bleed." (to River) "Although I would
take it as a kindness if she didn't." 

River: "The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds given adequate
vacuuming systems." 

Mal: (to Simon) "See, morbid and creepifying, I got no problem with, long
as she does it quiet-like." 

%
Book: "That bad?" 

Zoe: "Battle wounds are nothing new to me, preacher. I've seen men live
with a dozen holes in 'em this size." 

Book: "That right?" 

Zoe: "Surely is. Knew a man once who had a hole clean through his whole
shoulder. Used to keep a spare hankie in there." 

%
Jayne: (mock reading Simon's journal) "Dear Diary...today I was pompous and
my sister was crazy." (flips page) "Today, we were kidnapped by hill folk
never to be seen again. It was the best day ever."

%
Kaylee: "Well, we're headed for help... right?" 

Zoe: "Captain will come up with a plan." 

Kaylee: "That's good. Right?" 

Zoe: "Possibly you're not recalling some of his previous plans." 

%
Zoe: "You sanguine about the kind of reception we're apt to receive on an
Alliance ship, Cap'n?" 

Mal: "Absolutely." (beat) "What's 'sanguine' mean?" 

Zoe: " 'Sanguine'. Hopeful. Plus -- point of interest -- it also means
'bloody'." 

Mal: "Well, that pretty much covers all the options, don't it?" 

%
Mal: "What kind of ident card gets us that kind of reception and send off?"

Book: "I am a Shepherd. Folks like a man of God." 

Mal: "No, they don't. Men of God make everyone feel guilty and judged." 

%
Mal: "Well, look at this! Appears we got here just in the nick of time.
Whaddya suppose that makes us?" 

Zoe: "Big damn heroes, sir." 

Mal: "Ain't we just!" 

Mal: "Y'all see the man hanging out of the spaceship with the really big
gun? Now I'm not saying you weren't easy to find but it was kinda out of our
way, and he didn't want to come in the first place. Man's lookin' to kill
some folk. So really, it's his will y'all should worry about thwarting." (to
Simon) "Gotta say, doctor, your talent for alienatin' folk is near
miraculous." 

Simon: "Yes, I'm very proud." 

%
Simon: "So finally...a decent wound on this ship, and I miss out. I'm
sorry." 

Mal: "Well, you were busy trying to get yourself lit on fire. It happens." 

%
Bandit #1: "And I think maybe you're gonna give me a little one-on-one
time with the missus." 

(Husband) Jayne: "Oh, I think you might wanna reconsider that last part.
See, I married me a powerful ugly creature." 

(Wife) Mal: "How can you say that? How can you shame me in front of new
people?" 

(Husband) Jayne: "If I could make you purtier, I would." 

(Wife) Mal: "You are not the man I met a year ago." (they suddenly draw
their guns on the bandits, Mal slowly pulling his bonnet off) 

Mal: "Now think real hard. You been bird-dogging this township a while now.
They wouldn't mind a corpse of you. Now you can luxuriate in a nice jail
cell, but if your hand touches metal, I swear by my pretty floral bonnet, I
will end you."

%
Inara: "So, explain to me again why Zoe wasn't in the dress?" 

Mal: "Tactics, woman! Needed her in the back. 'Sides, them soft cotton
dresses feel kind of nice. There's a whole airflow." 

Inara: "And you would know that because...?" 

Mal: "You can't open the book of my life and jump in the middle. Like woman,
I'm a mystery." 

Inara: "Best keep it that way. I withdraw the question."

%
Mal: "Zoe, would you get Wash?" 

Zoe: "This is Zoe. We need all personnel in the cargo bay." 

Mal: "'All?' I said Wash." 

Zoe: "Captain, everyone should have a chance to congratulate you on your day
of bliss." 

Mal: "There's no bliss. I don't know this girl!" 

Jayne: "Then can I know her?" 

Zoe: "Jayne, don't sully this!" 

Mal: "You are going to be cleaning out latrines with your face if you don't
cut that out." 

%
Book: "If you take sexual advantage of her, you're going to burn in a very
special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people
who talk at the theater." 

Mal: "What -- I am not... preacher, you've got a smutty mind!"

Book: "Perhaps I spoke out of turn."

Mal: "You may perhaps I'm thinking!"

Book: "I apologize.  I'll make her up a room in the passenger dorm."

Mal: "Good"

(Book walks away and around the corner.  A beat later, he pokes his head
back around to speak)

Book: "The *special* hell."

%
Mal: "Are you offering me a trade?" 

Jayne: "A trade!? Hell, it's theft. This is the best damn gun made by man.
It has extreme sentimental value. It's miles more worthy than what you got." 

Mal: "What I got? She has a name." 

Jayne: "So does this!" (caresses the gun lovingly) "I call it Vera."

Mal: "Well, my days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a
middle." 

%
Jayne: "See, Vera? Dress yourself up you get taken out somewhere fun."

%
Saffron: "You gonna kill me?" 

Mal: "Can you conjure up a terribly compelling reason for me not to?" 

Saffron: "I didn't kill you." 

Mal: "You handed me and my crew over to those that would kill us. That buys
you nothing." 

Saffron: (smiles) "I made you dinner." 

%
Mal: "You wanna tell me how come there's a statue of you here, looking at me
like I owe him something?" 

Jayne: "Wishin' I could, Captain." 

Mal: "No, seriously, Jayne, you want to tell me--?" 

Jayne: "Look, Mal, I got no ruttin' idea. I was here a few years back, like
I said. Pulled a second-story, stole a lot of scratch from the magistrate up
on the hill. But things went way south. I had to hightail it. They
don't...put you on a pedestal in town square for that." 

Mal: "Yeah, but I'm looking at some fair compelling evidence says they do." 

Simon: (staring at the statue) "This must be what going mad feels like." 

Jayne: "Uh, hey, I got a idea. Instead of us hanging around playing art
critic 'til I get pinched by the man, how's about we move away from this
eerie-ass piece of work, and get on with our increasingly eerie-ass day.
How's that?" 

%
Book: "What are we up to, sweetheart?" 

River: "Fixing your Bible." 

Book: "I, um...(alarmed)...what?" 

River: "Bible's broken. Contradictions, false logistics - doesn't make
sense." (she's marked up the bible, crossed out passages) 

Book: "No, no. You - you can't... "

River: "So we'll integrate non-progressional evolution theory with God's
creation of Eden. Eleven inherent metaphoric parallels already there.
Eleven. Important number. Prime number. One goes into the house of eleven
eleven times, but always comes out one. Noah's ark is a problem." 

Book: "Really?" 

River: "We'll have to call it early quantum state phenomenon. Only way to
fit 5000 species of mammal on the same boat." (rips out page) 

%
Zoe: "You paid money for this, sir? On purpose?" 

Mal: "What? Come on, seriously, Zoe. Whaddya think?" 

Zoe: "Honestly, sir? I think you got robbed." 

Mal: "Robbed? What? No. What do you mean?" 

Zoe: "It's a piece of fei-oo." [fei-oo. = junk] 

Mal: "Fei-oo? Okay, she won't be winning any beauty contests anytime soon.
But she's solid. Ship like this, be with ya 'til the day you die." 

Zoe: "Cause it's a deathtrap." 

%
Mal: "Which one do you figured tracked us?" 

Zoe: "The ugly one, sir." 

Mal: (beat) "Could you be more specific?"

%
Mal: "Looks can be deceiving." 

Jayne: "Not as deceiving as a lowdown, dirty... deceiver." 

Mal: "Well said. Wasn't that well said, Zoe?" 

Zoe: "Had a kind of poetry to it, sir."

%
Mal: "I mean, let's say you did kill us... or didn't. There could be torture
- whatever - but somehow, you found the goods. What would your cut be?" 

Jayne: "Seven percent, straight off the top." 

Mal: "Seven? Oh." 

Jayne: "What?" 

Mal: "Hm? Nothing. Not a thing. No, I just... (to Zoe) does that seem low to
you?" 

Zoe: "It does, sir." 

Jayne: "That ain't low." 

Head Robber: "Stop it!" 

Jayne: "Seven percent, standard." 

Mal: (laughs) "Okay. Zoe, I'm paying you too much." 

%
Wash: "You know, it's all very sweet, stealing from the rich, selling to the
poor..."

%
Kaylee: "Figures.  First time on the Core and what do I get to do? Dig
through trash.  Why couldn't he send me shopping at the triplex, or... 
Oooh, synchronizers!"

%
Mal: "Patients were cynical and not responding and we couldn't bring 'em
back-"

Simon: "They were cyanotic and not responsive."

Simon: (to Jayne) "What about cortical electrodes?"

Jayne: "Oh..." (obviously doesn't know the answer) "We forgot 'em."

Mal: "Pupils were fixed and dilapidated-"

Simon: "Dialated-"

Mal: "Dialated! Dialated! Ching-wao tsao duh liou mahng!" [Ching-wah tsao
duh liou mahng = Frog-humping sonofabitch]

%
Mal: "Now all we need is a coupla patients."

Simon: "Corpses, actually. For this plan to work, River and I will have to
be dead."

Jayne: (smiling) "I'm starting to like this plan."

%
Mal: "Two lefts, two rights, and we're there. You see anyone, smile."

Zoe: "I don't think anyone smiles in hospitals."

Mal: "Course they do, it's the Core. Everyone's rich and happy here, why
wouldn't they smile?"

%
Pompous Doctor: "Walk with me a minute." 

Mal: "Where're we going?" (Zoe sneaks away, around and behind the doctor) 

Pompous Doctor:"You see this badge? It says 'doctor'. I say walk, you
walk." 

Mal: "Yeah but, where're we going?" 

Pompous Doctor: "You must be new." (Zoe walks up behind him) "Don't get
comfortable, your type never lasts long around here. When your supervisor
hears about the rude and disrespect--ARGH!!!" (falls to the ground,
unconscious, revealing Zoe standing behind him with defib paddles) 

Zoe: (shrugs) "Clear."

%
River: (cryptically to Jayne) "Your toes are in the sand."

Jayne: "And your head's up your-"

Simon: "Hey! Back off!"

%
Zoe: "Can we find someplace with a beach?"

Wash: (grinning and skipping to her) "Maybe a naked beach?" (they kiss)

Mal: "Cut it out. Job's not done 'til we're back on Serenity."

Zoe: "Sorry, sir, didn't mean to enjoy the moment."

%
River: (cryptically to Jayne) "They took Christmas away."

Jayne: (confused) "What the hell now?"

River: "Came downstairs for the shiny presents...they took the tree, and the
stockings...nothing left but coal."

Jayne: (to Simon) "Would you shut her up?"

River: (to Jayne) "Don't look in the closet, either -- it's greedy."
(smiles) "It's not in the spirit of the holiday."

Jayne: "You shut the hell up right now or so help me, I'll shut you up."

%
Kaylee: "Hey there, Inara! How was your checkup?"

Inara: "Same as last year. What's going on?"

Kaylee: (cheerfully) "Oh well let's see...we killed Simon and River, stole a
bunch of medicine, and the Cap'n and Zoe are springin' the others got
snatched by the feds."

%
Mal: "Hey! How was your thing?"

Inara: "As advertised -- lots of needles and cold exam tables. I heard you
had some excitement."

Mal: "Oh, nothin' much -- lotsa runnin' round, little gunplay...couple
needles."

%
Simon: "He was amazing! (to Jayne) "We wouldn't be standing here if it
weren't for you."

Jayne: "Well, uh...you're part of my crew."

Mal: (sarcastic) "I think I might cry."

%
Book: "Yes, I'd forgotten you're moonlighting as a criminal mastermind now.
Got your next heist planned?" 

Simon: "No. But I'm thinking about growing a big black mustache. I'm a
traditionalist."

%
Mal: "Ah, the pitter patter of tiny feet in huge combat boots." (to Kaylee
and River) "Shut up!"

%
Wash: "And then came the lying to me about it, which for me is sort of the
highlight of this little adventure." 

Zoe: "Is there any way I'm gonna get out of this with honor and dignity?" 

Wash: "You're pretty much down to ritual suicide, lambie-toes." 

%
Wash: "Didn't want you taking off without me. In fact, didn't want you
taking off at all. Thought I might take this run instead. Me and the
Captain." 

Mal: "The Captain who's standing right here telling you that's not gonna
happen?" 

Wash: "Well, it's a dangerous mission, sir. I can't stand the thought of
something happening that might cause you two to come back with another
thrilling tale of bonding and adventure. I just can't take that right now." 

%
Mal: "Okay, um, I'm lost. Uh, I'm angry, and I'm armed, so if you two have
something that you need to work out --" 

%
Wash: (to a departing Zoe) "Bye, hon! We promise not to stop for beers with
the fellas!" (sits down, starts the engines, then to Mal) "So, are we gonna
sing army songs or something?" 

%
Wash: "Hey, I've been in a firefight before! Well, I was in a fire."
(beat) "Actually, I was fired from a fry-cook opportunity." 

%
Wash: "I don't want you to spare me, Mal. If you think you know what's
happening, then you tell me. You wouldn't spare Zoe if she were in this
situation with you, would you? You would be planning, and plotting and
possibly scheming. So whatever Zoe would do in this instance is what I wanna
do. Do you know why? No matter how ugly it gets, you two always come back
with the stories. So... I'm Zoe. Now, what do I do?" 

Mal: "Probably not talk quite so much." 

Wash: "Right. Less talking. She's terse. I can be terse. Once in flight
school, I was laconic."

%
Wash: "I mean, I'm the one she swore to love, honor and obey." 

Mal: "Listen..." (beat) "She swore to obey?" 

Wash: "Well, no, not... But that's just my point! You she obeys! She obeys
you! There's obeying going on right under my nose!"

%
Zoe: "Preacher, don't the Bible have some pretty specific things to say
about killing? 

Book: "Quite specific. It is, however, somewhat fuzzier on the subject of
kneecaps."

%
Monty: "Damn you, Bridget! Damn you ta Hades! You broke my heart in a
million pieces! You made me love you, and then y-- I SHAVED MY BEARD FOR
YOU, DEVIL WOMAN!"

%
Jayne: "Woah there, Cap'n...tell me you didn't get into a fight with Monty."

Kaylee: "Really? But I thought we loved Monty!" (to Zoe, uncertain) "Don't
we love Monty?"

Zoe: "Sweetie, if he had a tussle with that sasquatch, we'd be in the dirt
right about now, scoopin' up the Captain's teeth." 

%
Mal: "Well this is one of the crazier things I've heard today and when I
tell you about the rest of my day, you'll appreciate..."

%
Mal: "Hey, no, we'll just set course for Planet of the Lonely, Rich, and
Appropriately Hygienic Man. I'll just tell Wash, we can park there for a
month."

%
Inara: "Right. You're a criminal mastermind. What was the last cargo we
snuck past the Alliance to transport?"

Mal: "We made a perfectly good piece-"

Inara: "What was the cargo?"

Mal: "They were dolls."

Inara: "They were little geisha dolls with big heads that wobbled!"

%
Mal: "Petty?"

Inara: "I didn't mean petty."

Mal: "What did you mean?"

Inara: "Suo-shee?"

Mal: "That's Chinese for petty."

%
Jayne: "Captain says you're to stay put. Doesn't want you runnin' afoul of
his blushin' psychotic bride. She figures out who you are, she'll turn you
in 'fore you can say... 'don't turn me in, lady'."

%
River: (looking at Jayne) "She's a liar."

Jayne: "That don't exactly set her apart from the rest of us. And the
plunder sounds fun enough."

River: "She's a liar and no good will come of her."

Jayne: "Well, I say as a rule that girlfolk ain't to be trusted."

River: "Jayne is a girl's name."

Jayne: "She starts on that 'girl's name' thing, I'm gonna show her good an'
all I got man parts."

Simon: "I'm trying to think of a way for you to be cruder. It's just not
coming."

%
Saffron: "He's my husband."

Mal: "Well who in the damn galaxy isn't?"

%
Mal: "I hate to bring up our imminent arrest during your crazy time, but we
gotta move."

Saffron: "I should've killed Durran."

Mal: "Right. The one guy that don't have it coming. The man who knows you
and still loves you, treachery and all. Can't have him walking about."

Saffron: "You won't tell anyone about me breaking down? 

Mal: "I won't."

Saffron: "Then I won't tell anyone how easily I got your gun out of your
holster."

Mal: "I'd take that as a kindness."

%
Wash: "Oh my god, it's grotesque! Oh, and there's something in a jar."

%
Zoe: "Scared her away again, did you?"

Simon: "This may come as a shock, but I'm actually not very good at talking
to girls."

Zoe: "Why, is there someone you are good at talking to?"

%
Wash: (to a jar with a cow fetus, mock-serious) "Do not fear me. Ours is a
peaceful race, and we must live in harmony..."

%
River: (trying to eat an 'ice-planet') "My food is troublesome."

%
Jayne: "I got post?"

Book: "Might we all want to step back a few paces before he opens that?"

Jayne: "Ha ha. It's from my mother."

Jayne: (wearing ugly homemade hat) "How's it sit? Pretty cunning,
 don'tchya think?"

Kaylee: "I think it's the sweetest hat ever."

Book: "Makes a statement."

Jayne: "Yeah, yeah!"

Wash: "A man walks down the street in that hat, people know he's not afraid
of anything."

Jayne: "Damn straight."

%
Tracey: "Thanks. Didn't know you were there."

Zoe: "That's sort of the point. Stealth, you may have heard of it."

Tracey: "I don't think they covered that in basic."

Zoe: "Well, at least they covered 'Dropping your weapon so you can eat beans
and get yourself shot'."

%
Mal: "Vitelli's out of it. That bumblebee laid down arms at the first sign
of inevitable crushing defeat, can you imagine such a cowardly creature?"

%
Jayne: "We're taking him on board?"

Mal: "We are."

Jayne: "Don't figure the percentage in that."

Mal: "Don't strain your brain trying, then. Might break something."

%
Mal: "You know, it ain't altogether wise, sneaking up on a man when he's
handling his weapon."

Inara: "I'm sure I've heard that said. But perhaps the dining area isn't the
place for this sort of thing?"

Mal: "What do you mean? Only place with a table big enough."

Inara: "Of course. In that case..." (rearranges guns) "Every well-bred petty
crook knows -- the small concealable weapons always go to the far left of
the place setting."

%
Mal: "This distress call wouldn't be taking place in someone's pants, would
it?"

%
Inara: "It sounds like the sort of thing this crew can handle. I can't
guarantee they'll handle it particularly well, but-"

Nandi: "If they got guns, and brains at all..."

Inara: "They have guns."

%
Zoe: "No one's gonna force you to go, Jayne. As has been stated -- this
job's strictly speculative."

Jayne: "Good. 'Cause I don't know these folks, don't much care to."

Mal: "They're whores."

Jayne: "I'm in."

Mal: "Any friend of Inara's is a strictly business-like relationship of
mine."

Jayne: (calls out from across the room) "Can I start gettin' sexed already?"

Mal: "Well, that's one kind of horrific."

%
Kaylee: "Everybody's got somebody..." (wistfully) "Wash, tell me I'm
pretty..." 

Wash: "Were I unwed, I would take you in a manly fashion."

Kaylee: " 'Cause I'm pretty?"

Wash: " 'Cause you're pretty."

Kaylee: "Thank you. That was very restorative."

%
Mal: "Inara, think you could stoop to being on my arm?"

Inara: "Will you wash it first?"

%
Mal: "Well, lady I must say..." (admiring smile) "...you're my kinda
stupid."

%
Kaylee: "Captain seem a little funny to you at breakfast this morning?"

Wash: "Come on, Kaylee. We all know I'm the funny one."

%
Mal: "When I want a lot of medical jargon, I'll talk to a doctor. 

Simon: "You are talking to a doctor." 

%
Wash: "Little River just gets more colorful by the moment. What'll she do
next?" 

Zoe: "Either blow us all up or rub soup in our hair. It's a toss-up." 

Wash: "I hope she does the soup thing. It's always a hoot, and we don't all
die from it."

%
Mal: "But she does have an oddness to her. And I ain't just talking about
her proficiency with firearms. Girl knows things. Things she shouldn't.
Things she couldn't." 

Jayne: "Wha-...are you-are you sayin' she's a witch?" 

Wash: (sarcastically) "Yes, Jayne. She's a witch. She has had congress with
the beast." 

Jayne: "She's in Congress?" 

Wash: (amazed) "How did your brain even learn human speech? I'm just so
curious."

%
Wash: "Psychic, though? That sounds like something out of science fiction." 

Zoe: "We live in a space ship, dear." 

%
Early: "You know, with the exception of one deadly and unpredictable midget,
this girl is the smallest cargo I've ever had to transport. Yet by far the
most troublesome. Does that seem right to you?"

Simon: "What'd he do?"

Early: "Who?"

Simon: "The midget."

Early: "Arson. Little man loved fire."

%
River/Serenity: "You're wrong about River.  River's not on the ship.  They
didn't want her here, but she couldn't make herself leave.  So she melted...
Melted away.  They didn't know she could do that, but she did."

Early: "I'm not sure I take your meaning there."

River/Serenity: "I'm not on the ship.  I'm in the ship." (beat) "I am the
ship."

Simon: "River..."

River/Serenity: "River's gone."

Early: "Then who exactly are we talking to?"

River/Serenity: "You're talking to Serenity.  And, Early... Serenity is very
unhappy."

%
Early: "I only hurt people because they keep getting in the way of me
finding you." (to Simon): "Tell her."

Simon: "What am I?  Your advocate?"

Early: (aiming his gun) "You are now."

Simon: "He's really very... gentle... and fuzzy.  We're becoming fast
friends."

%
(River/Serenity laughs)

Early: "You folks are all insane."

Simon: "Well, my sister's a ship.  We had a complicated childhood."

Early: Doesn't anybody care that I have a finely crafted gun pointed at this
boy's head?"

%
Mal: "There's a guy.. he's very blurry.  You gotta be careful." (beat)
"Oh... how come there's a guy on board?  How come you're all of a sudden the
ship?"

River/Serenity: "I know you have questions."

Mal: "That would be why I just asked them."

%
River: "Permission to come aboard?"

Mal: "You know, you ain't quite right."

River: "It's the popular theory."

Mal: "Go on.  Get in there. Give your brother a thrashing for messing up
your plan."

River: "He takes so much looking after."

%
River: "I tore these out of your symbol, and they turned into paper."

%
Simon: "How much did they offer you to sell me and River on Ariel?"

Jayne: (beat) "Das crazy talk."

Simon: "Then let's talk crazy. How much. "

Jayne: (looking beyond Simon. calls out) "Is anybody there?"

(River leans in from the doorway)

Jayne: (Quieter) "Anybody else?"

Simon: "You're in a dangerous line of work, Jayne. Odds are, you'll be under
my knife again. Often. So I want you to understand one thing very clearly.
No matter what you do, or say, or plot... no matter how you come down on us
I will never ever harm you.  You're on this table you're safe. I'm your
medic, and however little we may like or trust each other, we're on the same
crew. Got the same troubles, same enemies and more than enough of both. Now
we could circle each other and growl, both sleep with one eye open but that
thought wearies me. I don't care what you've done. I don't know what you're
planning on doing, but I'm trusting you. I think you should do the same,
cause I don't see this working any other way."

(Simon leaves)

River: "Also, I can kill you with my brain." (leaves)

%
Zoe: "Something ain't right."

Wash: "We're crooks.  If everything were right, we'd be in jail."

%
Kaylee: "I'd sure like to get a new compression coil."

Mal: "And I'd like to be the king of all Londinum and wear a shiny hat."

%
Mal: "Wheel keeps on turning, Badger."

Badger: "That only matters to people on the rim."

%
Zoe: "We don't want to go to patience."

Mal: "Why?"

Zoe: "She shot you."

Mal: "Well, yeah, she did a bit..."

%
Mal: "Ain't no way in the verse they could find that compartment, even if
they were lookin' for it."

Zoe: "Why?"

Mal: "... cause?"

Zoe: "Oh yeah, this is going to go great."

%
Mal: "How's business?"

Inara: "None of yours."

%
Simon: (concerning Jayne) "What do you pay him for?"

Mal: "Public relations."

%
Wash: "Can we maybe vote on the whole murdering people issue?"

%
Mal: "I believe that woman's planning to shoot me again."

Jayne: "Here's  a little concept I been workin' on. Why don't we shoot
her first?"

Wash: "It is her turn."

%
Simon: "What will they do?"

Zoe: "If they take the ship, they'll rape us to death, eat our flesh and
sew our skins into their clothing and if we're very very lucky, they'll
do it in that order."

%
Mal: "Now, you only gotta scare him."

Jayne: (beat) "Pain is scary."

%
Mal: (to Simon) "If I ever kill you, you'll be awake, you'll be facing me,
and you'll be armed."

%
Niska: "You do not like I kill this man?"

Mal: "Oh, no. I'm sure he... was a very bad person."

Niska: "My  wife's  nephew. At dinner I am getting earful. There is no way
out of that."

%
(Mal, fighting with his torturer on the edge of the factory shaft precipice,
is interrupted by the arrival of his crew.  Jayne lifts his gun, and takes
aim; however, Zoe grabs his arm.)

Zoe: "This is something the Captain needs to do himself."

(Jayne lowers his gun)

Mal: (Calling back to them) "No, it's not --"

Zoe: "Oh."  (All aim and fire in unison)

%
Jayne: "... and if wishes were horses we'd all be eating steak!"

%
He robbed from the rich
 and he gave to the poor.
 Stood up to the man
 and gave him what for.
 Our love for him now
 ain't hard to explain.
 The hero of Canton
 the man they call Jayne. 
 
Our Jayne saw the mudders' backs breakin'. 
 He saw the mudders'lament. 
 And he saw the Magistrate takin' 
 every dollar and leavin' five cents. 
 So he said "You can't do that to my people." 
 He said "You can't crush them under your heel." 
 So Jayne strapped on his hat 
 and in 5 seconds flat 
 stole everythin' Boss Higgins had to steal. 
 
He robbed from the rich 
 and he gave to the poor. 
 Stood up to the man 
 and gave him what for. 
 Our love for him now 
 ain't hard to explain. 
 The hero of Canton 
 the man they call Jayne. 
 
Now here is what separates heroes 
 from common folk like you and I. 
 The man they call Jayne 
 he turned 'round his plane 
 and let that money hit sky. 
 
He dropped it onto our houses 
 he dropped it into our yards. 
 The man they called Jayne 
 he stole away our pain 
 and headed out for the stars! 
 
Here we go! 
 
He robbed from the rich 
 and he gave to the poor. 
 Stood up to the man 
 and gave him what for. 
 Our love for him now 
 ain't hard to explain. 
 The hero of Canton 
 the man they call Jayne. 

%
Book: "That's... that's quite a lot of blood, isn't it?"

Mal: "Just means you ain't dead."

Book: " 'fraid I might be needin' a preacher."

Mal: "That's good.  You just lie there and be ironical." (to Jayne)
"Stretcher!"

%
Take my love, take my land
Take me where I cannot stand
I don't care, I'm still free
You can't take the sky from me

Take me out to the black
Tell them I ain't comin' back
Burn the land and boil the sea
You can't take the sky from me

There's no place I can be
Since I found Serenity
But you can't take the sky from me...

%
Book: "That young man's very brave."

Mal: "Yeah.  He's my hero!"

%
Zoe: "He's a psycho, you know.  Niska."

Mal: "He's not the first psycho to hire us, or the last.  You think that's a
commentary on us?"

%
Simon: "So, what are we doing?"

Kaylee: "Oh, crime."

Simon: "Crime?  Good, OK... crime..."

%
Jayne: "How's about you shut that crazy mouth?  Is that a fun game?"

%
Mal: "Whatever happens, remember I love you."

Zoe: "Sir?"

Mal: "Because you're my wife."

Zoe: "Right, sir... honey."

%
Mal: "That sounds like the Alliance.  Unite all the planets under one rule
so that everybody can be interfered with or ignored equally."

%
Jayne: "You know what the chain of command is?  It's the chain I go get and
beat you with until you understand who's in ruttin' command here." (beat)
"You can't change that... by gettin' all... bendy."

Wash: "All what?"

Jayne: "You got the... the light... from the console... keep you... lift you
up.  They shine like... (snatching at the air)... little angels..." (falls
over, unconscious)

Wash: "Did he just go crazy and fall asleep?"

%
Mal: "Nice shot."

Jayne: "I was aiming for his head."

%
Mal: "Now, this is all the money Niska gave us in advance.  You bring it
back to him, tell him the job didn't work out.  

(Crow spits)

Mal: "We're not thieves. (beat)  Well, we are thieves.  Point is, we're not
taking what's his.  Now, we'll stay out of his way the best we can from here
on in.  You explain that that's best for everyone, okay?"

Crow: "Keep the money.  Use it to buy a funeral.  It doesn't matter where
you go, or how far you fly.  I will hunt you down, and the last thing you
see will be my blade."

Mal: "... Darn." (kicks Crow solidly, knocking him into one of Serenity's
engines and killing him.  A second henchman is brought forward).  "Now, this
is all the money Niska gave us in advance..."

Henchman: (overeager) "Oh, I'm good!  Best thing for everyone!  I'm right
there with you!"

%
Mal: "Stack everything here, in plain sight.  Wouldn't want it to seem like
we got anything to hide.  It might give them Alliance boys the wrong
impression."

Wash: "Or the right one."

Mal: "That too."

%
Inara: "I don't suppose you'd find it up to standards of your outings.  More
conversation and somewhat less petty theft and getting hit with pool cues."

%
 Wash: "Don't fall asleep now. Sleepiness is weakness of character. Ask
anyone! You're acting captain. Know what happens you fall asleep now?" 

 Zoe: "Jayne slits my throat and takes over." 

 Wash: "That's right." 

 Zoe: "And we can't stop it." 

 Wash: "Well, I wash my hands of it. It's a hopeless case. I'll read a nice
poem at the funeral. Something with imagery." 

 Zoe: "You could lock the door and keep the power-hungry maniac at bay." 

 Wash: "Oh, no, I'm starting to like this poetry idea now. 'Here lies my
beloved Zoe, my autumn flower, somewhat less attractive now she's all
corpsified and gross'..."

%
Kaylee: "Is that him?"

Mal: "That's the buffet table."

Kaylee: "Well, how can we be sure, unless we question it?"

%
Mal: "Use of a swhat?"

%
Zoe: "Next time we smuggle stock, let's make it something smaller."

Wash: "Yeah, we should start dealing in those black-market beagles..."

%
Mal: "Gotta say, doctor, your talent for alientating folk is near
miraculous."

Simon: "Yes... I'm very proud..."

%
Mal: "Cut her down."

Patron: "That girl is a witch!"

Mal: "Yeah, but she's our witch.  So cut her the hell down!"

%
Mal: "I'm sorry.  Go back to the part where you're my wife."

Saffron: (downcast) "I don't please you."

Mal: "You can't please me.  You've never met me." (Zoe and Jayne enter) "Zoe,
why do I have a wife?"

Jayne: "You got a wife?"

Zoe: "What's she doing here?"

Jayne: "All I got was that dumb-ass stick that sounds like it's raining. 
How come you got a wife?"

Mal: "I didn't." (to Saffron) "We're not married."

Saffron: "I'm sorry if I shame you..."

Mal: "You don't shame me.  Zoe, get Wash down here."

Zoe: (hits comm) "This is Zoe.  We need all personnel in the cargo bay."

Mal: "All?  I said Wash!"

Zoe: "Captain, everyone should have a chance to congratulate you on your day
of bliss."

Mal: "There's no bliss!  I don't even know this girl."

Jayne: "Then can I know her?"

Zoe: "Jayne!  Don't sully this."

Mal: "Zoe, you are going to be cleaning out the latrine with your face, you
don't cut that out."

%

Book: "Who's the new recruit?"

Zoe: "Everybody, I want you to meet Mrs. Reynolds."

Kaylee: (excited) "You got married?!"

Simon: "Well, that's... congratulations."

Wash: "We always hoped you two kids would get together.  Who is she?"

Mal: "She's no one!"

(Saffron starts to cry)

Kaylee: "Captain!"

Mal: (at a loss) "Stop that."

Saffron: "I'm... sorry..."

Wash: "You brute."

Kaylee: (to Saffron) "Oh, sweetie, don't feel bad.  He makes everybody cry. 
He's like a monster."

Mal: "I'm not a monster.  Wash, turn the ship around."

%
Mal: "This isn't happening." (to Saffron) "Will you stop crying?"

Inara: "Oh, for God's sake, Mal, can you be a human being for thirty
seconds?"

Wash: "Speaking as one married man to another..."

Mal: "I am not married!" (to Saffron) "I'm sorry.  You don't shame me, you
have very nice qualities but I didn't ever marry you."

Book: (holding encyclopedia) "I believe you did.  Last night."

(Mal hesitates, as does everyone)

Mal: (to Jayne, quiet) "How drunk was I last night?"

%
Saffron: "Are you gonna kill me?"

Mal: "What?  What kind of crappy planet is that?  Kill you?"

Saffron: "In the maiden's home, I heard talk of men who weren't pleased
with their brides, who..."

Mal: "Well I ain't them. And don't you ever stand for that sort of thing.
Someone tries to kill you, you try to kill 'em right back. Wife or no,
you're no one's property to be tossed aside. You got the right same as
anyone to live and to try to kill people. I mean, you know. People
that are... That's a dumb planet."

%
Saffron: "I didn't think to make enough for your friends." (to Zoe) "But
I've everything laid out if you'd like to cook for your husband..."

(Wash looks at Zoe for a microsecond of hope, before laughing
overcompensationally)

Wash: "Ta ha ha... Isn't she quaint?  I'm just not hungry..."

Zoe: (to Mal) "So, are you enjoying your own nubile little slave girl?"

Mal: (mouth full) "I'm not... (chewing) nubile ... (swallows) Look, she
wanted to make me dinner.  At least she's not crying..."

Wash: "I might.  Did she really make fresh bao?" (notices Zoe's glare)
"Quaint!"

Zoe: "Remember that sex we were planning to have ever again?"

%
Mal: "I would appreciate it if one person on this boat did not assume I was
an evil, lecherous hump."

Zoe: "Nobody's saying that, sir."

Wash: "Yeah, we're mostly just giving each other significant glances and
laughing incessantly.  Is that cider?"

%
Saffron: "You're a good man."

Mal: "You clearly haven't been talking to anyone else on this boat..."

%
Mal: (looking at Saffron, shocked) "Whoa, hey... flesh..."

%
Saffron: "On the night of their betrothal, the wife shall open to the man
as the furrow to the plow. He shall work in her again and again, 'til she
bring him to his full. And rest him then upon the sweat of her breast." 

Mal: "Whoa - good bible..."
 
%
Mal: "Oh, I'm gonna go to the special hell..."

%
Wash: "Every planet has its own weird customs.  About a year before we met,
I spent six weeks on a moon where the principal form of recreation was
juggling geese.  My hand to God.  Baby geese.  Goslings.  They were juggled"

Zoe: "Of course the man rushes in to defend her..."

Wash: "(Huh?) I'm talking about geese."

%
Wash: "Wuh duh ma huh ta duh fung-kwong duh wai-shung doh, do I wish I was
somebody else right now.  Somebody not married, not madly in love with a
beautiful woman who can kill me with her pinky." [Wuh duh ma huh ta duh
fung-kwong duh wai-shung doh = Holy mother of God and all her wacky nephews]

Saffron: "I've been too forward."

Wash: "No.  Well, yes.  But I actually like that in a woman.  That's part of
why Zoe and I are, as previously mentioned, married."

Saffron: "I thought... she didn't seem to respect you."

Wash: "Not everybody gets me and Zoe at first glance.  Did it get very hot
in here?  I need airflow."

%
Inara: (to Mal) "You were drugged."

Jayne: "That's why I never kiss 'em on the mouth"

(Everyone falls deathly silent)

%
Zoe: "So you two were kissing?"

Book: "Well, isn't that... special?"

%
Mal: "You woulda kissed her too!"

Zoe: "Wash didn't."

Mal: "But she was naked!  And... articulate!"

Wash: "Okay.  Everyone NOT talking about their sex lives, in here.  Everyone
else, elsewhere."

%
Kaylee: (seeing Inara off) "Goodbye, now.  Have good sex!"

%
Simon: "My God - you're like a trained ape.  Without the training."

%
Simon: (to Jayne) "Enemies?  You?  No, how can it be?"

%
Simon: "All right, fine, I'll go... Just, stop describing me."

%
Simon: "Yes, I... I've heard good things about the mud.  Lots of people
talking about the mud..."

Wash: (to Kaylee) "What happened to Simon?  Who is this diabolical master of
disguise?"

%
Contact: "Last week, the factory foreman and his prod crew heard he was
moving contraband through town.  Gave him a peck of trouble for it."

Mal: "What kind of peck was that?"

Contact: "The kind where they hacked off his hands and feet with a machette,
rolled him into a bag."

Wash: "They peck pretty hard around here."

%
("The Man They Call Jayne" is being sung in the background)

Mal: "Umm... Jayne?"

Jayne: "Yeah, Mal?"

Mal: "You got any light to shed on this development?

Jayne: "No, Mal."

Simon: "No... *This* must be what going mad feels like..."

%
Zoe: "River, honey?  He's putting the hair away now."

River: "It'll still be there... waiting...."

%
Jayne: "You guys had a riot?  On account of me?  A real riot?"

Mudder: "I can't believe you're back."

Jayne: (all emotional) "How could I stay away?!!"

%
Jayne: "You think we should be using my fame to hoodwink folks?"

Mal: "You better laugh when you say that."

%
Kaylee: "So, when we made love last night..."

Simon: "When we what???"

Kaylee: "You really are such an easy mark!"

%
Jayne: "Now, Inara, she's gotta have some real funny whorin stories, I
wager."

Inara: "Oh, do I ever!  Funny and sexy!  You have no idea.  And you never
will."

%
Kaylee: "Catalyzer on the port compression coil blew.  That's where the
trouble started."

Mal: "I need that in Captain Dummy talk, Kaylee."

%
River: "Don't be afraid.  That's what it says, don't be afraid."

Book: "Yes."

River: "You're afraid we're going to run out of air.  That we'll die gasping. 
But we won't.  That's not going to happen.  We'll freeze to death first."

%
Kaylee: "Ain't nothin wrong with your grav boot.  Grav boot's just fine. 
Hello!"

Bester: "She doesn't... that's not what... no it ain't!"

Kaylee: "Sure it is.  Grav boot ain't your trouble.  I seen the trouble
plain as day when I was down there on my back before..."

%
Inara: "The Alliance has no quarrel with me.  I supported Unification."

Mal: Did ya?  Well, I don't suppose you're the only whore that did..."

%
River: "He looks better in red..."

%
Jayne: "I'll be in my bunk."

%
Simon: "Well, it's a clean cut.  With the right equipment, I should be able
to reattach it.  That's assuming there's a head..."

%
Niska: "Do you know the writings of Shan Yu?"

Mal: "We're starting a book club."

%
River: "No power in the 'verse can stop me."

%
Mal: (unenthusiastically) "I know it's a difficult mission, but you and I...
have to get it on."

Zoe: (unenthusiastically) "I understand.  We have no choice. Take me, sir. 
Take me hard."

Jayne: "Now something about that is downright unsettling..."

%
Inara: "I'm not sleeping with you, Mal."

Mal: "Uh, no, I think I would have noticed if you were."

%
Saffron: (to Durran) "They set on me at Parth, these awful men..."

Mal: "That wasn't me, though.  I don't know those men..."

Saffron: "They said they wanted ransom, but they... they sold me.. to
slavers..."

Mal: "Also unknown to me."

%
Saffron: "We gotta move fast."

Mal: "Yeah, he might come back and hug us in the act."

%
Mal: "I've seen you without your clothes on before.  Never thought I'd see
you naked."

%
Mal: "Everybody dies, Tracey.  Someone's carrying a bullet for you right
now, doesn't even know it.  The trick is to die of old age before it finds
you."

%
Mal: "Using corpses for smuggling is a time-honored repulsive custom."

Jayne: "Maybe it's gold!"

Zoe: "And maybe this was a friend of ours, and you wanna show a little
respect."

Jayne: "I got respect.  But I'm just saying... gold!"

%
Tracey: "That call means you just murdered me!"

Mal: "You murdered yourself, son.  I just carried the bullet for a while."

%
Inara: "Hi."

Mal: (terribly startled while working on his guns) "BWAAA!"

Inara: "Sorry, I didn't mean to startle."

Mal: "You didn't." (repeating, as if he meant to) "BWAAA!  That's kind of a
warrior... It's a... strikes fear into..." (nothing) "Bwaa?" (gives up) "You
know, it ain't altogether wise, sneaking up on a man when he's handling a
weapon."

%
River: (near a woman in labor) "Who do you think is in there?"

%
Mal: "Miss Nandi, I have a confession to make."

Nandi: "Maybe I should get the Shepherd."

Mal: "Well, I ain't sinned yet, and I'd feel more than a little awkward
having him here when I do."

%
Petaline: "Jonah, say hello to your daddy." (aims gun).  "Say goodbye to
your daddy, Jonah." (fires)

%
Inara: "Does it seem every supply store on every border planet has the same
five rag dolls and the same wood carvings of... What is this?  A duck?"

Kaylee: "That's a swan.  And I like it"

Inara: "You do?"

Kaylee: "It looks like it was made with, you know... longing.  Made by a
person who really longed to see a swan."

Inara: "Perhaps because they'd only heard of them by rough description."

%
River: "Little soul big world.  Eat and sleep and eat...  Many souls.  Very
straight, very simple"

Mal: "Cattle on the ship three weeks, she don't go near 'em.  Suddenly,
we're on Jiangyin and she's got a driving need to commune with the beasts?"

River: "They weren't cows inside.  They were waiting to be, but they forgot. 
Now they see sky and they remember what they are."

Mal: "Is it bad that what she just said makes perfect sense to me?"

%
Zoe: "I don't get this.  They're after Tracey?"

Mal: "Or there's something else in that box."

(later)

Mal: "Anything?"

Jayne: "Not unless this crate's made of magical wish-granting planks."

%
Inara: "Serenity is a smuggling ship.  I've been here a year, I couldn't
name all the places she might hide."

Early: "I don't have a year." (beat) " Your sister is being a real annoyance."

Simon: "I feel from you."

%
Early: "They make psychiatrists get psychoanalyzed before they can get
certified, but they don't make surgeons get cut on.  That seem right to you?"

...

Early: "Man is stronger by far than woman, but only woman can create a
child.  Does that seem right to you?"

...

Early: "You know, with the exception of one deadly and unpredictable midget,
this girl is the smallest cargo I've ever had to transport. Yet by far the
most troublesome. Does that seem right to you?"

%
Simon: "I wish I was lying!  I just... you know, we'd all made surgeon. 
That was it.  We were the elite.  The world was ours, you know."

Kaylee: "So you had to be naked?"

Simon: "Naked, yes.  And on top of the statue of Hippocrates.  Can't you
just picture me?"

Kaylee: "What, naked?  Oh well, hmm... let's see.  I'm gonna have to conjure
up... Yeah, that's gonna be difficult... so, did the Feds come?"

%
Simon: "This is not funny.  This is a morality tale about the evils of
sake."

%
Simon: "It was either that or the National Anthem.  Reports vary."

%
Jayne: "Saint Jane, it's got a ring to it!"

Book: "I'm just trying to remember how many miracles you've performed."

Jayne: "I once hit a guy in the neck from 500 yards with a bent scope.  Does
that count upstairs?"

Book: "Oh, it will be taken into consideration."

Jayne: "You made that sound kind of ominous."

%
River: "It's just an object.  Doesn't mean what you think."

%
Mal: "Fully loaded, safety off.  This here's a recipe for unpleasantness. 
Does she understand that?"

River: "She understands.  She doesn't comprehend.

Mal: "Well, I'm glad we've made that distinction."

%
Mal: "We're in deep space, corner of no and where."

%
Jayne: "Let's move this conversation in a not-Jayne's-fault direction."

%
Jayne: "Anyone remember her coming at me with a butcher knife?"

Wash: "Wacky fun..."

Jayne: "You want to go, little man?"

Wash: "Only if it's someplace with candlelight."

%
Zoe: "I don't think she'd harm anyone."

Jayne: "Butcher knife!"

Zoe: "Anyone we can't spare."

%
Kaylee: "Didn't make much account of myself, I'm afraid."

Mal: "I got no problem with the notion of you not killing no one, Kaylee."

%
Kaylee: "She just did the math."

%
Inara: "This is not a joking matter!  This is about our lives!  And
River's."

%
Simon: "She's just a kid.  She just... wants to be a kid."

%
Kaylee: "Don't let the space bugs bite!  (embarassed, to herself) "Space
bugs?"

%
Early: "Strains the mind a bit.  You think you're all alone... Maybe I come
down the chimney, Kaylee.  Bring presents to all the good girls and boys. 
Maybe not, though.  Maybe I've always been here."

%
Simon: "And which part of your plan dictated the necessity of beating up a
shepard?"

Early: "That ain't a shepard."

%
Early: "Is it still her room when it's empty?  Does the room, the thing,
have purpose?  Or do we... What's the word?"

Simon: "I really can't help you."

%
Simon: "So you're a bounty hunter."

Early: "That ain't it at all."

Simon: "Then what are you?"

Early: "I'm a bounty hunter."

%
Early: "You ever been shot?"

Simon: "No."

Early: "You out to be shot.  Or stabbed.  Lose a leg.  To be a surgeon, you
know.  Know what kind of pain you're dealing with."

%
Simon: "Come on out, River.  The nice man wants to kidnap you."

%
Inara: "This is pointless, you know."

Early: "200,000 seems fairly pointed to me."

%
Early: "Your sister's becoming a real annoyance."

Simon: "I feel for you."

%
Early: "Where'd she go?"

Simon: "I can't keep track of her when she's not incorporeally possessing a
spaceship.  Don't look at me."

%
Mal: "Am I dreaming?"

River/Serenity: "We all are." (beat) "Don't make faces."

%
Wash: "How about his face?  Is his face wearing armor?"

River/Serenity: "No touching guns!"

%
Early: "I'll be a son of a whore!  You're not in my gorram mind!  You're in
my gorram ship!"

%
River/Serenity: "You're not right, Early.  You're not righteous.  You got
issues.

Early: "No.  Well, yes.  I could have that."

%
River: "Don't belong.  Dangerous, like you.  Can't be controlled.  Can't be
trusted.  Everyone can just go on without me and not have to worry.  People
could be what they wanted to be.  Could be with the people they wanted. 
Live simple.  No secrets..."

Simon: "No..."

River: "I'll be fine.  I'll be your bounty, Jubal Early.  And I'll just fade
away."

%
Zoe: "This is really not my area of expertise, doctor.  I tend to be putting
these into people more than the other thing."

Wash: "Can I mop your brow?  I am at the ready with the fearsome brow
mopper."

Simon: "You got the bullet.  Okay, I'm going to pass out now, but you're
doing great."

%
Jayne: "All them years of priest training, taken out by one bounty hunter."

Book: "Don't get me wrong, I gave him a hell of a fight."

Jayne: "Epic, I'm guessing."

Book: "There'll be poems and songs, just you wait."

Jayne: "At least you got some play.  I missed every damn thing."

%
Early (drifting): "Well... here I am..."

%
Wash: "Could you please tell my wife the fun she's missing out on?"

Inara: "Ariel's quite nice place, actually.  There are some lovely museums,
not to mention some of the finest restaurants in the quadrant."

Wash: "But not boring like she made it sound."

%
Mal: "You could have got off with Shepard Book at Bathgate Abbey.  You could
have been meditating on the wonders of your rock garden by now."

Jayne: "Well, it beats just sitting."

Wash: "It IS just sitting."

%
Simon: "Could you not do that while we're... ever?"

%
Wash: "Two days in a hospital?  Don't you just hate doctors?"

Simon: "Hey!"

Wash: "Present company excluded."

Jayne: "Let's not be excluding people.  It's rude."

%
Jayne: "If I wanted schooling, I'd have gone to school."

%
Simon: "Agent McGinnis, I'm certain you're working under a superior keeping
close tabs on this case. I'm certain of that because important people don't
do fieldwork. I'm also certain your superior wants me and my sister alive.
Now, I'm not going to move from this start until one of two things happens:
you answer my very simple question, or you shoot me."

McGinnis: "We're transferring you to a holding center, until you can be
retrieved."

Simon: "Retrieved? By who?"

McGinnis: "People who want you alive.  People not me."

%
Jayne: Shee-nio high tech Alliance crap!"

%
Mal: "You called the Feds."

Jayne: "What?  I got pinched!"

Mal: "What is what happens when you call the Feds."

%
Mal: "I hear they used to keelhaul traitors back in the day.  I don't have a
keel to haul you on, so..."

%
Jayne: "What are you taking this so personal for? It ain't like I ratted you out
to the Feds."

Mal: "But you did. You turn on any of my crew, you turn on me! If that's a
concept that you can't seem to wrap your head around, then you got no place
here. You did it to me, Jayne, and that's a fact."

%
Jayne: "Tell you what I think -- I figure that fellow we ran into, did everyone
on board. Then he decided to take a swim, see how fast his blood boiled out
his ears."

Wash: "You're a very "up" person."

%
Book: "Should I remind you of the story of the Good Samaritan?"

Mal: "I'd rather if you didn't."

%
Jayne: "It's impressive what 'nothing' can do to a man. Like that fellow we
bumped into. He's likely stuck up under our belly about now. That's what
space trash does, you know. Kind of latches onto the first big something
stops long enough. Hey, now -- that'd be a bit like you and your sister,
wouldn't it?"

%
Mal: "No one's gonna hurt you... any more than we already did."

%
Simon: "Ah, yes.  He's a real beast.  It's a wonder you're still alive."

Jayne: "...Looked bigger when I couldn't see him."

%
Commander: "Looks to me like an illegal salvage operation."

Mal: "It does?  That's discouraging."

%
River: "Let's go again!"

Simon: "Later.  Maybe."

%
Simon: "I swear - when it's appropriate."

Kaylee: "Simon, the whole point of swearing is that it ain't appropriate."

%
Simon: "Son of a bitch!"

%
Book: "You don't fix faith, River.  It fixes you."

%
Wash: "We gotta go to a crappy town where I'm a hero!"

%
Simon: "You know... I've saved lives. Dozens. Maybe hundreds. I reattached a
girl's leg - her whole leg. She named her hamster after me. I got a
hamster. He drops a box money, he gets a town."

Kaylee: "Hamsters is nice."

Simon: "To Jayne! The box-dropping, man-ape-gone-wrong... thing."

%
River: "They say the snow on the roof was too heavy. The ceiling will cave in,
his brains are in terrible danger!"

Book: "River? Please. Why don't you come out?"

River: "No! Can't! Too much hair!"

%
Zoe: "River, honey, he's putting the hair away now."

River: "Doesn't matter.  It'll still be there... waiting."

%
Zoe: "Is that Jayne? Is that really him? Wash, pinch me, I must be
dreaming!"

%
Inara: "I.. I know this man. He's... he just has this idiotic sense of
nobility, you know?  He can never just let things go. He thinks he's this
hard-hearted criminal and he can be unrelenting, but... there's a side to
him that's so...."

Fess: "You mean you actually know Jayne?"

Inara: "Jayne? Jayne Cobb?"

%
River: "Just keep walking, preacher-man."

%
Mal: "It's my estimation that... every man ever got a statue made of him was
one kind of sumbitch or another. It ain't about you, Jayne. It's about what
they need."

%
Mal: "Next time you decide to stab me in the back, have the guts to do it to
my face."

%
River: "Is it time to go to sleep again?"

Simon: "No, mei mei.  It's time to wake up."

%
Saffron: "I'd be a good wife."

Mal: "Yeah, well, I'd be a terrible husband.  You got five whole days to
figure that out."

%
Mal: "Can I come in?"

Inara: "No."

Mal: "See, that's why I usually don't ask."

%
Inara: "Come into my shuttle."

Saffron: "You would life with me?"

(alarms sound)

Inara: "I guess we've lied enough."

%
Book: "You were victimized, Wash was assaulted, and then Inara found you
here."

Inara (groggy): "And then I fell and hit my head.  Like Wash."

%
Mal: "So why the big act?  What was she after?"

Book: "Besides molesting innocent captains?"

Mal: "You want to stow it, preacher?  We're in some peril here."

%
Zoe: "If she can fly this thing, why'd she take the shuttle?"

Wash: "Maybe she likes shuttles.  Some people juggle geese!"

%
Mal: "You got all kinds of learning, and you make me look a fool without even
trying, and yet here I am with a gun to your head. That's cause I got people
with me, people who trust each other, and do for each other, and ain't
always looking for an advantage."

Saffron: "Promise me you're going to kill me soon."

%
Mal: "Try and see past what she is, to what she can be."

Zoe: "What's that, sir?"

Mal: "Freedom, that's what."

Zoe: "I meant, what's that?"

Mal: "Oh. Yeah, just step around that. I think something must have been living
in here."

%
Zoe: "Get her running again?"

Mal: "Yeah.

Zoe: "So, not running now?"

Mal: "Not so much."

%
Simon: "How did you know?  River, did you...?"

River: "Day is a vestigal mode of time measurement based on solar cycles. 
It's not applicable."  (beat)  "I didn't get you anything."

%
Inara: "I love this ship.  I have from the first moment I saw it."

Simon: "I just don't want to die on it."

Inara: "I don't want to die at all."

%
Mal: "Wave your arms around, jump up and down, divert the navsats to the
transmitter, whatever."

Wash: "Divert the navsats to-- Right! Because teenage pranks are fun when
you're about to die!"

%
Wash: "Even if some passerby did happen to receive it, all it would do is muck
up their navigation."

Mal: "Could be that's true."

Wash: "Damn right it's true! They'd be forced to stop and dig out our signal
before they could even go anyplace."

(Mal stares)

Wash: "Well, maybe I should do that, then!"

Mal: "Maybe you should!"

Wash: "Okay!"

Mal: "Good!"

Wash: "Fine!"

%
Jayne: "Jayne'll be worth something if you run into trouble, but don't trust
him, and don't let him take over. You're paid up through the end of the
month, this is still your ship."

Inara: "Mal..."

Jayne: "As far as your security deposit goes, that I might have to owe you. "

%
Mal: "If it's Alliance trouble you got, you might want to consider another
ship. Some onboard here fought for the Independents."

Inara: "The Alliance has no quarrel with me. I supported Unification."

Mal: Did ya? Well, i don't suppose you're the only whore that did."

Inara: "Oh, one further addendum -- that's the last time you get to call me
"whore"."

Mal: "Absolutely. Never again."

%
Inara: "Mal, you don't have to die alone."

Mal: "Everybody dies alone."

%
Captain: "Catalyzer's a nothing part, captain."

Mal: "It's nothing until you don't got one. Then it appears to be everything."

%
Mal: "Let's say you did kill us - or didn't.  There could be torture,
whatever.  Anyhow..."

%
Captain: "You would have done the same."

Mal: "You can already see I haven't.  Now get the hell off my ship."

%
River:: "We got outflanked by an Independent squad, and we're never gonna make it
back to our platoon. We need to resort to cannibalism."

Simon: "That was fast. Don't we have rations or anything?"

River: "They got lost. We're going to have to eat the men."

%
Mr. Tam: "I will not have it in my house. But since your mother's already
ordered one, I guess I might as well give up the fantasy that this is my
house."

%
Mal: "You know, they walk just as easy if you lead them."

Jayne: "I like smackin' them."

%
Mal: "When a man engages in clandestine dealings, he has this preference for
things going smoothly. She makes things not be smooth."

Simon: "Right. I'm very sorry she tipped off anyone about your cunningly
concealed herd of cows."

%
Grange: "We can go to 25."

Mal: "Well... we'll be taking a loss. But you seem like clean and virtuous
boys. Done."

%
Simon: "Some of these words -- they're misspelled. She started correcting my
spelling when she was three."

Doralee: "Place like this might be good for your sister. Quiet, safe, place where
folks take care of each other."

Simon: "Yes, seems like a lovely little community of kidnappers."

%
River: "I took you away from there."

Simon: "No."

River: "I know I did. You don't think I do, but... I get confused. I remember
everything. I remember too much and.... Some of it's made up and... some of
it can't be quantified and there's secrets..."

Simon: "It's okay."

River: "But I understand. You gave up everything to find me, and you found me
broken. It's hard for you. You gave up everything you had."

Simon: "Mei mei, everything I have is right here."

%
Simon: "These are better than the Camberson's berries."

River: "They are. Except they're poison."

%
Simon: "It's been a big day, with the abduction and all."

%
Simon: "I'm sorry, Dad. You know I would never have tried to save River's life
if I'd known there was a dinner party at risk."

%
Mr. Tam: "Are you trying to destroy this family?"

Simon: "I didn't realize it would be so easy."

%
Mal: "So Shepard says to a Companion, "Well, a good goat will do that." "

%
Inara: "I like watching the game. As with other situations, the key seems to be
giving Jayne a heavy stick and standing back."

Mal: "'Course, they won't discover it 'til they order the next round of
drinks."

Thug: "Way."

Mal: "Good drinker, that one."

%
Zoe: "I thought you'd get land-crazy, that long in port."

Wash: "Probably, but I've been sane a while now and change is good."

%
Mal: "Seems to me the last time there was a chance for a little palaver, we
were all manner of unwelcome."

Jayne: "This ain't bad."

Badger: "There's a trick to it: wood alcohol."

Mal: "Now we're favored guests, treated to the finest in beverages that make
you blind."

%
Bitca: "It's not as good as last year."

Kaylee: "Oh, really? What'd they have last year?"

Bitca: "Standards."

%
Gentleman: "Why, Banning Miller! What a vision you are in your fine dress.
It must have taken a dozen slaves a dozen days to get you into that gown. Of
course, your daddy tells me it takes the space of a schoolboy's wink to get
you out of it."

%
Inara: "I see Kaylee's here."

Mal: "Cried Cinderella tears. You should have seen her when I told her she
could have that layer cake she's wearing."

Inara: "I think she looks adorable."

Mal: "Yeah, but I never said it."

%
Kaylee: Up until the punching, it was a real nice party.

%
Inara: "Atherton's a heavy sleeper the night before a big day. You know, he's
got the killing in the morning, then a haircut later."

Mal: "Such a comfort, having friends visit at a time like this."

%
Mal: "I never back down from a fight!"

Inara: "Yes, you do. You do all the time."

%
Inara: "He's an expert swordsman, Mal -- you had trouble with the pillar. How
will your death help my honor?"

%
Jayne: "What we need's a diversion. I say Zoe gets naked."

Wash: "Nope."

Jayne: "I could get naked."

Wash and Simon, in unison: "No!"

%
Badger: "Why ain't she talking? She's got a secret."

River: "Sure, I got a secret. More'n one. Don't seem likely I'd tell them to you
now, do it? Anyone off Dyton Colony knows better than to talk to strangers.
You're talkin' loud enough for the both of us, though, ain't you? I've known
a dozen like you. Skipped off home early. Run graft jobs 'ere and there.
Spent some time in the lockdown, but less than you claim. Now you're what?
Petty thief with illusions of standing. Sad little king of a sad little
hill."

Badger: "...Nice to see someone from the old homestead."

River: "Not really."  (to Simon)  "Call me if anyone interesting shows up."

%
Jayne: "That there? Exactly the kind of diversion we could have used."

%
Inara: "You have a strange sense of nobility. You'll lay a man out for implying
I'm a whore, but you keep calling me one to my face."

%
Inara: "You are always breaking the rules, no matter what society you're in! You
don't get along with ordinary criminals either, which is why you are
constantly getting in trouble!"

Mal: "And you think following rules will buy you a nice life, even if the
rules make you a slave."

%
Atherton: "You set this up, whore! After I bought and paid for you. I should have
uglied you up so no one else would want you."

Mal: "See how I'm not punching him? I think I've grown."

%
Atherton: "Well, get ready to starve! I'll see to it you never work again.
Inara: Actually, that's not how it works. You see, you've earned yourself a
black mark in the client registry. No Companion is going to contact with you
ever again."

Harrow: "You'll have to rely on your winning personality to get women. God help
you."

%
Jayne: "We was just about to spring into action. Very complicated
search-and-rescue operation."

Wash: "I was going to watch. It was very exciting."

%
Inara: "I am grateful, you know. For the ill-conceived and high-handed attempt
to defend my honor although I didn't want you to."

%
(Mal makes a move in Chinese Checkers)

Zoe: "That's a bold move."

Mal: "I live on the edge."

(Zoe makes a devastating move)

Jayne (to Mal): "Nice work, dumbass."

Mal: "I've given some thought to moving off the edge. Not an ideal location.
Maybe a place in the middle...."

%
Drunk: "I'm thinking you're one of them Independents."

Mal: "And I'm thinking you weren't overburdened with schooling. So why don't
we both ignore each other until we go away."

%
Jayne: "Hey, I didn't fight in no war. Best of luck, though."

%
Wash: "Every man there go back inside, or we will blow a new crater in this
little moon."

%
Jayne: "Damn yokels can't even tell a transport freighter ain't got no guns on
it."

%
Kaylee: "So, what happpened? Was there a terrible brawl?"

Zoe: "Oddly enough, there was."

Wash: "Are you getting my wife into trouble?"

Mal: "What? I didn't start it! I just wanted a quiet drink."

Zoe: "Funny, sir, how you always seem to find yourself in an
Alliance-friendly bar come U-Day, looking for a quiet drink."

Mal: "See, this is another sign of your tragic space dementia, all paranoid
and crotchety. It breaks the heart."

%
River: "Mal. Bad. In the Latin."

%
Inara: "You have such lovely hair. I'm sure the doctor would agree."

Kaylee: "Who, Simon? No, he's too... I'm just... Do you think it would look
better up?"

Inara: "We could experiment. We might even get wild later and wash your
face."

%
Inara: "There's an energy about a person that's difficult to hide. You try to
feel that..."

Mal: "And then you try to feel the energy around their credit account. It has
a sort of aura..."

%
Mal: "You're servicing crew now?"

Inara: "In your lonely and pathetic dreams."

%
Inara: "You could always pray they make it back safely."

Book: "I don't think the captain would much like me praying for him."

Inara: "So don't tell him. I never do."

%
Zoe: "Sir, I think you have a problem with your brain being missing."

%
River: "They won't stop. They'll never stop. They'll just keep coming until they
get back what you took. Two by two, hands of blue. Two by two, hands of
blue..."

%
Inara: "Zoe. What would your husband say if he knew you were here?"

Zoe: "I... I was weak."

%
Sherrif: "His story had kind of an odor to it."

Inara: "Yes. It's not the only thing about him that does."

%
Sherrif: "You were truthful back in town -- these are tough times. A man can get
a job, he might not look too close at what that job is. But a man learns all
the details of a situation like ours.... well, then he has a choice. "

Mal: "I don't believe he does."

%
Book: "He said, 'Live with a man forty years, share his house, his meals, speak
on every subject... then tie him up and hold him over the volcano's edge.
And on that day, you will finally meet the man.' "

Simon: "What if you don't live near a volcano?"

Book: "I expect he was being poetical."

Simon: "Sadistic crap legitimized by florid prose. Tell me you're not a
fan."

Book: "I'm just wondering if they were. The people who did this to your
sister."

%
Book: "A government is a body of people -- usually notably ungoverned.
Simon: Now you're quoting the captain."

%
Mal: "Don't worry, I'm not gonna start any sword fights -- I'm over that
phase."

%
Mal: "One of you is going to fall and kill yourself, and I'm not cleaning it
up!"

%
Wash: "It's Jayne being so generous with his cut that confuses and frightens
me."

Zoe: "It does kind of freeze the blood."

%
Zoe: "We mentioned that we were out of rations, and ten minutes later, a bunch
of appples rained into the trench."

Wash: "And they grew into a big tree, and they all climbed up the tree into a
magical land with unicorns and a harp."

%
Wash: "I love that you two are old Army buddies, you have wacky stories with
rib cages in them, but could you have an opinion of your own, please?"

Zoe: "You're losing the high ground here, sweetcakes."

%
Wash: "I am a large, semi-muscular man. I can take it. Don't hide behind Mal
because you know he'll shoot it down!"

Zoe: "Right. Becaue what this marriage needs is one more shouting match.
Wash: No, what this marriage needs is one less husband. Right now it's kind of
crowded."

%
River: "Going back. Like apple bits, coming back up."

Simon: "But you felt okay this morning?"

River: "Played with Kaylee. The sun came out and I walked on my feet and heard
with my ears. I hate the bits.. the bits that stay down and I work, I
function like I'm a girl. I hate it because I know it'll go away. The sun
grows dark and chaos has come again. Bits. Fluids.... What am I?"

Simon: "You are my beautiful sister."

River: "I threw up on your bed."

Simon: "Yup. Definitely my sister."

%
Book: "This is precision work; sharpshooters. From the look of these wounds,
I'd say a 54-R sniper rifle. Laser sights."

Jayne: "Do a lot of shooting at the abbey there, Shepard?"

Book: "Rabbits."

%
Niska: "Ah... now you have to..."

Zoe: "Him. I'm sorry, you were going to tell me to choose. Do you want to
finish?"

%
Zoe: "We're getting him back!"

Jayne: "What are we going to do, clone him?"

%
Niska: "This is not a time for extraordinary men. Business is not war, heroics
are unseemly. They complicate."

%
Wash: "Grenades?"

Zoe: "Oh, yes. Thank you, dear."

%
Zoe: "We're going to get the captain."

Kaylee: "Oh, good.... Can they do that?"

Jayne: "No."

%
Zoe: "It's like throwing a dart, Jayne, and hitting a bullseye 6,000 miles
away. That's my man."

%
Zoe: "Okay, people -- if it moves, shoot it."

Kaylee: "Unless it's the captain!"

Zoe: "Unless it's the captain."

%
Mal: "Listen, if you got guests, I can come back later."

%
Inara: "I just wish you'd killed that old bastard."

Mal: "I got regrets on that score my own self."

%
Simon: "I never shot anyone before."

Book: "I was there, son. I'm fair sure you haven't shot anyone yet."

%
Mal: "Had a good day."

Simon: "You had the alliance on you, criminals and savages, half the people
on this ship have been shot or wounded, including yourself, and
you're harboring known fugitives."

Mal: "We're still flyin'."

Simon: "That's not much."

Mal: "It's enough."
%
Shiny.

%
Teacher: "The Central Planets formed the Alliance, and now everyone can
enjoy the comfort and enlightenment of true civilization."

%
Operative: "You put them in a room with a psychic..."

%
Scientist: "Unfortunately, I forgot to bring a sword."

(Operative pulls one out)

%
Operative: "Every minute you keep River Tam from me, more people will die. 
This is your fault."

Mal: "You think I care?"

Operative: "Of course you care."

Mal: "I don't murder children."

Operative: "I do."

%
Simon: "If I were scared, my eyes would be wider."

Mal: "I will remember to look for that next time."

%
Operative: "There is no shame in this death."

%
Wash: "This is gonna get pretty interesting."

Mal: "Define interesting".

Wash: "Oh, God, oh God, we're all gonna die?"

%
Mal: "We're going to experience some slight turbulence and then possibly..
explode."

Jayne (whining): "Explode?  I don't wanna explode!"

%
Mal: "I thought you said it would hold for another week."

Kaylee: "That was six months ago."

%
Simon: "This isn't fear.  This is anger."

%
River: "It's not safe... for them."

Simon: "It's okay to leave them to die."

%
Zoe: "Are those grenades?"

Jayne: "Yeah, cap'n won't let me take 'em."

Zoe: "We're going to rob the place, Jayne, not occupy it."

%
Jayne: "Shiny.  Lets be bad guys."

%
Mal: "Violence is going to ensue!"

%
Zoe (after breaking into a nearly empty bank safe): "At last, we can retire
and give up this life of crime."

%
Guard: "You really have to give me your authorization code."

(Jayne fires down into the vault... there is a delay)

Guard: "Okay!"

%
Mal: "One in the leg... it's a good bleeder."

Guard: "Can't you just... wing me a little?"

Mal: "Noo... You can't let them think you gave up too easy.  Have to make
'em think you put up a fight."

%
Mal: "This is a robbery, but what we're after is not yours."

%
Mal: "Come a day there won't be room for naughty men like us to slip about
at all."

%
Jayne: "Mal!  MAL!"

Mal: "Every heist.  Why does he have to use my name?"

%
Mal (being pursued closely by Reavers): "Faster, faster, faster, faster! 
Faster would be better!!!"

%
Jayne (being attacked by reavers, after being made to leave his weapons
behind): "Wouldn't a grenade be handy right about now?"

%
Jayne: "If they take me, shoot me."

(Mal shoots toward Jayne in an attempt to free him)

Jayne: "Don't shoot me first!"

%
River: "Bullet in the brainpan.  Squish."

%
River: "He didn't lie down.  They never lie down."

%
Kaylee (to Simon): "Are you hurt?"

Mal: "Is HE hurt?"

(Simon rushes to River, who is seemingly unphased)

River: "I swallowed a bug."

%
Jayne: "I'll kill a man in a fair fight.  Or if I think he's going to start a
fair fight... Or if he has something I want.  Or it's for a woman.. or if
I'm getting paid for it.  Mostly if i'm getting paid for it."

%
Kaylee (to Simon, as he leaves): "Don't ride in anthing with a Caplan engine,
they fall right out of the sky!"

%
Zoe: "Back in the war, we'd never leave a man behind."

Mal: "Maybe that's why we lost."

%
Zoe: "You know what a hero is?  Someone who gets a lot of other people
killed."

%
Mal: "Fanty.  Mingo."

Fanty: "I'm Mingo, he's Fanty."

Mal: "No, you're Fanty, he's Mingo."

Mingo: "How do you always know who we are?"

Mal: "Fanty's prettier."

%
Kaylee: "Been more'n a year since I had anything twixt my nethers didn't run
on batteries."

Mal: "I don't need to be hearing this."

Jayne: "I could stand to hear a little more..."

%
Fanty/Mingo: "You know that girl?"

Mal: "No, I really don't..."

%
Wash: "Can we start with the part where Jayne gets knocked out by a ninety
pound girl?  Because that's never getting old."

%
Jayne (interrupting the "safe words" that make River fall asleep): "Don't
say it!!!"

Wash: "It only works on her, Jayne"

Jayne: "Well, now you tell me."

%
Jayne: "... now that she's a killer woman, we oughta be bringing her tea and
dumplings."

%
Mr. Universe: "You guys always bring me the best violence."

%
Simon: "Am I talking to Miranda now?"  (River makes a face)  "No, never
mind..."

%
Book: "When I talk about belief, why do you always assume I'm talking about
God?

%
Mal: "Kaylee's been missing you something fierce."

%
Zoe: "Remember the part where it's a trap?"

%
Zoe: "So.. Trap?"

Mal: "Trap."

Kaylee: "What?  How do you know Inara just didn't want to see us?"

Mal: "I take it you were watching?"

(crew mumbles)

Mal (concerning Inara): "Did you see us fight?"

Kaylee: "No."

Mal: "Trap."

%
Mal: "While I'm gone, Zoe is in command.  Now, if I'm not back in an hour, I
want you to take this ship, take off... and you come and you rescue me!"

Zoe: "What?  And risk my new ship?"

%
Mal: "Dear Buddha: I would like a pony and a plastic rocket."

%
Inara: "Mal, what the hell are you doing here?"

Mal: "You invited me?"

Inara: "Yes, but I never thought for a minute you'd actually show up!"

Mal: "Well, that just makes you a big tease, don't it."

%
Operative: "It's worse than you know."

Mal: "It usually is."

%
Mal: "If the alliance wanted to reason, they shouldn't have sent an assassin."

%
Operative: "I want to resolve this like civilized men.  I'm not threatening
you.  I'm unarmed."

Mal: "Good." (draws and fires; operative falls to the ground, but comes back
up fighting shortly)

Operative: "I am, however, wearing full body armor.  I may be unarmed, but
I'm not a moron."

%
Operative (to Mal): "You can not make me angry."

Inara: "Please - spend an hour with him!"

%
Operative (to ensign): "Define disappeared."

%
Operative: "How did you make it this far in that outfit?"

%
Operative: "Nothing here is as it appears."

Inara: "And that's not incense." (explosion ensues)

%
Officer: "Sir, we found seven."

%
Zoe: "Do you really think any of us are getting out of here alive?"

Jayne: "... Well... I might...."

%
Operative: "That girl will rain destruction down on you and your ship"

%
Operative: "It's not your way."

Mal: "I have a way?  Is that better than a plan?"

%
Operative: "What I do is evil, I have no illusions about it, but it must be
done."

%
Operative: "I am making a world without sin."

%
Mal: "Y'all got on this boat for different reasons, but y'all comin' to the
same place.  So now I'm asking more of you, than I have before.  Sure as I
know anything, I know this: I aim to misbehave."

%
Operative: "That girl is an albatross."

Mal: "Well, as I remember, that albatross was the boat's good luck charm
until some idiot killed it." (beat) "I have read a poem, don't act so
surprised."

%
Operative: "I am a monster.  I don't belong in this world.  What I do is
evil, but somebody has to do it."

%
Mal: "Now, I am betting that there is a human in there still.  If I'm wrong,
you'd better shoot me now..."

(River cocks gun)

Mal: "... or we could talk more."

%
River: "I was afraid you'd make me sleep."

Simon: "You could have asked."

%
Mal: "Do you want to be captain?"

Jayne: "Yeah.  I do."

Mal: "Oh."  (beat)  "Well, you can't!"

%
Inara: "I've seen so many versions of you it's hard to know which one; Mal,
this isn't the war."

Mal: "I start fighting a war, you'll know it"

%
Mal: ".... I wish like hell you was elsewhere..."

Inara: "I was."

%
Wash: "Can I suggest something that doesn't involve violence, or is this the
wrong crowd for that?"

%
Zoe: "Nobody's saying that."

Wash: "Nobody who isn't Jayne is saying that."

%
Mal: "Don't move."

Shepherd: "I won't go far."

%
Shepherd: "I shot him down..."

Mal: "Not very Christian..."

Shepherd: "...coming from you..."

%
Mal: "Shouldn't have been you - shoulda been us they hit."

Shepherd: "That... crossed my mind..."

%

River: "Runtse duh shang-dee, ching daiwhuhtzo [Merciful God, please take me
away].  Make them stop. they're everywhere, every city, every house every
room, they're all inside me, I can hear them all and they're saying nothing! 
GET UP!  PLEASE GET THEM UP!  Wuoshang mayer, maysheen, byen shr-too [I want
no ears, no heart... turn me to stone], please God, make me a stone!"

%
Mal (after Simon punches him): "Tzao ss-ma?  Nee-yow wuh-kai chang?" [You
wanna start something?  You want my metal?]

%
(in response to Mal's plan to reaver-fy Serenity)

Inara: "Runtse de fwotzoo, ching baoyo wuomun..." [Oh merciful buddha
protect us...]

Wash: "Juhguh jee hua jun kuhpah!" [This plain is horrific]

%
Mal: "You'll have to tell me about that someday."

Shepherd: "No, I don't."

%
Mal: "And red paint.  We're going to need a lot of red paint."

%
Zoe: "How much ammo is left?"

Jayne: "Three mags and my swinging cod!"

%
Simon: "River - I'm sorry I couldn't make it through this..."

River: "Simon, you always look after me, you've always looked after me....
" (pause)  "My turn."

%
Mal: "No, they're not going to see this coming."

%
Operative: "Target the reavers.  Target the reavers!  Target everything!  
Somebody fire!!!"

%
Simon: "Throughout it all, my one regret is... not being with you."

Kaylee: "You mean to say... sex?"

Simon: ".. I mean to say."

Kaylee (cocking gun): "Hell with this!  I want to live!"

%
Operative: "It's finished.  We're finished."

%
Mr. Universe: "You can kill me, but you can't stop the signal."

%
Mr. Universe/lovebot: "Mal?  Guy killed me, Mal.  Killed me with a sword. 
How weird is that?"

%
Mal (looking at the transmitter past a fall to certain doom): "'Hard to get
to' ?!"

%
Operative: "Are you willing to die for your beliefs?"

Mal: (beat) "Yes."  (suddenly reaches for his gun, draws, and fires before
the operative can).  " 'Course, that ain't plan A."

%
Mal: "That's what you want, isn't it?"

Inara: "I don't know."

Mal: "Good answer."

%
Operative: "Do you know what your sin is?

Mal: "Oh, I'm a big fan of all seven... but right now, I'm gonna have to go
with wrath."

%
Wash: "I am a leaf on the wind.  Watch how I soar."

%
Mal: "You want to see a world without sin?"

%
Mal: "Ok, clearly some aptitude for this, but it ain't all buttons and
charts, little albatross. You know what the first rule of flying is? Well, I
suppose you do, since you already know what I'm about to say. "
 
River: "I do. But I like to hear you say it."
 
Mal: "Love. You can learn all the math in the 'verse, but you take a boat
into the air you don't love, she'll shake you off just as sure as the
turning of worlds. Love keeps her in the air when she oughta fall down,
tells you she's hurting 'fire she keens. Makes her a home."
 
River: "Storm's getting worse."
 
Mal: "We'll pass through it soon enough."

%
Incomplete Quotes from Serenity (care to help?  Mail
meme@daughtersoftiresias.org)

                        ***
River: 

Jayne: "She's seriously damaging my calm!"

                        ***

Jayne: "... crazy person...  shuttle ride..."

                        ***

Mal: "Keep talking ... every minute ... location trace..."


                        ***

"... they're all made up of reavers..."

                        ***

"... hard to got to ... that's a foot... " ???

                        ***

"... I'm well known for ..."

                        ***

"... I believe I'm the..."

                        ***

Mal: "... get us on the ground..."

                        ***

"...what you plan and what takes place..."

                        ***

"...learned from your example..."

                        ***

"... there could be tears..."

                        ***

Fanty/Mingo: "... makes a businessperson a little twitchy...."

                        ***

River: "... showed me off like a dog..."

                        ***

"... pulse beacon..."

                        ***

Mal: "... piece of shrapnel took out that neural cluster on my first
mission..."

                        ***

River (at a bar, watching a candy commercial): "... not mandatory..."  (There
are candy bars that are mandatory?)

%
--Package Maintainers note--: If your favorite Firefly quote is not in here,
or you can help correct/expand a quote from "Serenity", please drop me a line
at meme@daughtersoftiresias.org.