"Your archangel is named CHUCK?" --Torg
%
"I said no such thing! It was the rabbit! Bad rabbit! Bad Bun-Bun! Uh...did
I say rabbit? I meant rabbi! Bad rabbi! Bad... Hello? Hello?" --Torg
%
"I am sorry we cannot help you get home to your dimension. We have a
pressing mission to deliver cough syrup to a dying planet." --Girl on a ship
%
"Hydrochloric gear shift is downloading some type of chocolate doh-doh
waves." --Torg
%
"I am the handsome masculine lead! I have top billing! You guys are the
ones who pitiful deaths set me on my path of vengeance." --Captain of the
ship
%
"Oh, yeah, the girl from the park! Didn't recognize you conscious, upright,
and unmangled." --Torg
%
"I can't go now...I don't have...my...shoes on." --Zoe
%
"What I am thankful for is pure and unalienable. It is a right for which I
have nothing but gratitude. The right to shoot all telemarketers on sight!"
--Bun-Bun
%
"You chewed apart an entire rifle?" --Torg
%
"What? I'm the only malicious rabbit around? This is the woods, you know!"
--Bun-Bun
%
"'I don't know if it is such a good idea to let your ferret play with
Bun-Bun, since he is in a really bad mood and cleaning his gun'... that's
what I should have said!" --Torg
%
"Put down the shotgun and have a hot toddy, dear." --Mrs. Clause
%
"You parked on my foot!" --A shopper
%
"Noooo, Sam! Don't plan Torg's death! Stay GOOD, Sam!" --Kiki
%
"Hey, Zoe, I got a date too. Her name is 'A1 Steak Sauce!'" --Bun-Bun
%
"For tonight's wine, may I suggest a bottle of whiskey and a small
handgun?" --A waiter
%
"Y'know, I never thought I would be so thrilled to be devoured by a hideous
alien!" --Torg
%
"Mom! I can't talk right now! ...No, Mom, I have not been corrupted by the
'big city!' ...No, Mom, I am not on drugs. All right, I'll tell you! I'm
trapped in a room where an alien and a robot with high explosives are trying
to kill each other! No rehab, Mom! I am NOT on drugs!" --Zoe
%
"We have just received word that news is breaking on the set of Sluggy
Freelance. We are not sure what the news is at this time, but we wanted to
beat the other networks to it. I'm sure we will have more information ANY
minute." --Stone Johnson
%
"Thanks for participating in our poll. Do you think that Cinny-Bun is a
loose cannon trying to ruin Bun-Bun for personal gain? OR do you think Cinny
is larger in size than Godzilla?" --Poller
%
"Remind me to thank Bun-Bun for locking me in the overhead compartment. I
was ALMOST stuck on a flight to Seattle." --Zoe
%
"Howdy, sir! I'll be shaking your hand ANY moment now. Any moment."
--Bun-Bun, in a Riff robot
%
"Oh! SLEEP! I keep forgetting you humans need SLEEP!" --Aylee
%
"This is Agent Muldy. I want to put out an A.P.B. on a giant caterpillar
with bat wings..." --Agent Muldy
%
"Just don't cross that line I labeled 'Torg's Line of Death.'" --Riff
%
"NO FAIR! I was distracted by random gunfire!" --Torg
%
"I don't, but I care about him caring about me! I need attention from
someone I don't care about to keep caring about those who don't care about
me! Let me try to explain that better..." --Zoe
%
"He's 'stopping' this way!" --Torg
%
"She's killing the chocolate ice cream! I didn't even know you could kill
chocolate ice cream!" --Ice cream salesman
%
"Ooooh! Recap me! Recap me!" --Kiki
%
"Not only am I being forced to marry a psycho-killer-robot, now I'm turning
into a donkey. I'm going to need some help." --Torg
%
"I think I just stuffed a calculator in my ear." --Riff
%
"All these years! All those overnight marinades! All that oven sweat and
onion tears! All those pans with caked on vamp grease?! For what? Because
you pompous head chefs decided that a seven course vampire feast was needed
when an appetizer-toothpick in the right place would do the trick! Well,
take the signpost down, Biles, because my cooking classes are closed. Make
way for Muffy the Girl Who Sticks Wooden Thingies Into Vampires!" --Muffin
%
"I...I think you're very nice and boring, Zoe! I just said 'beautiful,'
right? 'Nice and beautiful?'" --Dex
%
"Oh, a flying ferret!" --Dr. Schlock
%
"I had blueprints for a mind control device in my pocket and I just
realized Bun-Bun took it. Is this as big a problem as I think it is?" --Dr.
Schlock
%
"I called to expose a conspiracy! You know of S.E.T.I., right? .... They
are actually a front for an alien raec, known as the Golonpollops, who are
planning an invasion! I'm amazed at the fact that nobody has noticed that if
you move the letters around in the word 'SETI', you get the word 'INVASION'!
That's using the Golonpollopian spelling of the word 'invasion', of course."
--Caller to the Ghost To Ghost Conspiracy Network
%
"Pheasant the Peasant?" --Valerie from the past
%
"Why are the cute ones always insane?" --Valerie from the past
%
"For MEDICIA! Um, yeah, I meant 'Mercia'...whoa, wrong way, horsy!" --Torg
%
"This is the story called...um...The Fourth of July Slasher! One day, this
scientist dude decided that cloning George Washington from his teeth would
be a cool thing to do for the fourth of July! But he didn't know that George
Washington's teeth were made of wood, so he accidentally created a WOODEN
George Washington! Only THIS George Washington was EVIL! Like, as revenge
for the cherry tree? He'd cut down people? And then, like, lie about it? And
then he stole the land from the wooden Indians, man." --Reggie
%
"Torg, he didn't land yet, he just said the word 'Splat.'" --Zoe
%
"If I was a prophet I wouldn't waste time with vague symbolism! I'd have
prophesied you the 'Bug Squisher!' Then you'd have known to wear big boots!
That way you wouldn't have demon-guts between your toes right now!" --Torg
%
"Where's the big bug? I'm up for another game of five-card draw." --Riff
%
"Bun-Bun has his own strange greeting! His goes 'Your money or your life'!"
--Kiki
%
"You stole my car! Bad bunny! .... Now you're driving it off a cliff! Bad,
BAD bunny!" --Torg
%
"I'm so worried. Torg has been gone for so long! I don't know why but I
have a feeling that something terrible has happened to him! Then again, it
could just be because I have an upset stomach from eating a Mexican. MEXICAN
MEAL! A Mexican meal. Burritos! Anyway, I'm surprised my stomach is so
upset. She didn't look spicy. UH, did you know that in the Mexican language
they use terms like 'he' and 'she' to refer to non-human objects like
burritos?" --Aylee
%
"If you were a real villain, you'd tell me your master plan before killing
me. After you tell me your master plan, you can strap me to a table and cut
me in half with a laser!" --Torg
%
"'Torg's Head' is on the menu!" --Zoe
%
"Dude! You just made me turn that guy into a SMURF!" --Riff
%
"Riff, just because you're losing at Tekken3, that's no reason to jump into
my desk drawer!" --Torg
%
"Ugh. I'm not Kiki. I'm Riff. Ugh." --Kiki
%
"'Rouge?' What kind of treasure is that? Is it magic rouge?" --Torg
%
"Our mummy has fallen and he can't get up!" --Torg
%
"Don't talk about candy, dude! I keep burping up snake!" --Torg
%
"At least we are consistent. Body parts every year." --Torg
%
"Holiday-wrapped six-foot-sub-sandwich-swordfights RULE!" --Riff
%
"This is your last chance. After this there is no turning back. You take
the blue pill, the story ends and we go back to play-bite death-matching.
You take the red pill, and I tell you the truth about... Hey! Kiki?!?! NO!
Zoe, she ate BOTH pills!" --Riff
%
"He played cards with Donald Trump for a cat! That's what I think he said!"
--Kiki
%
"Friends all got big-bad-sicky-sicky! No wakey-wakey! Me save! Me stop
big-bad sicky-sicky!" --Dr. Schlock
%
"She isn't dead! And she's DEFINITELY not a coatrack!" --Torg
%
"Now tell me what's going on or I'll drink your blood! I mean, 'flink your
mud'!" --Sam
%
"Sounds like some evil undead candy." --Bun-Bun
%
"I went cheap! My kneecaps are the twist-off kind! Actually I hear they're
made by the same companies that make the pop-off kind." --Torg
%
"Now look! I have this non-squid-like tentacle suction cup stuck to my
head! Are you all happy?" --Lord Horribus
%
"Do not feed the realistic Halloween decoration!" --Sign around Aylee's neck
%
"Crikey! Be careful mate! You got a 'uge rabbit sittin' right on yer
shoulder!" --Steve Uozin, Demon Hunter
%
"My hassle-sense is tingling." --Riff
%
"I took over the local route for Up-Ex shipping about five months ago.
Noticed Riff right off the bat. ...First time I ever delivered a package
labeled 'Warning: Do not taunt contents.'" --Sasha
%
"Just be happy with the knowledge that eventually you will own a
Playstation 2." --Torg Angel
%
"You've been ordering porterhouse steaks WEEKLY? Just to get potates au
gratin on the side?" --Torg
%
"I'm at a steak funeral?" --Sasha
%
"How non-cliche that the one guy who can explain what happened is
delusional and holding a bomb." --Skimpymoomoo
%
"I can't believe Santa is actually a shape-shifting half-alien mutant bent
on world domination and allergic to nerf!" --Squintyhoyo
%
"You need a gift that will totally surprise and impress her. 'Buckets of
cheese' just won't cut it." --Sasha
%
"Now THIS is silly! Except for my impending death." --Torg
%
"Oh, that's just Zoe. I turned her into a camel." --Torg
%
"I ran over here so fast I think I reversed the rotation of the earth for a
few seconds." --Riff
%
"Can't talk. Must play." --Torg
%
"My time is too valuable to waste on such trifles! For you to attempt to
steal ONE MINUTE of my productivity reveals the true depths of your
immorality! Now excuse me, I have WORK to do!!" --Kiki
%
"Aack! There's a ferret in my pants!" --Bill Gates
%
"I'm not a tauntaun! I'm not a tauntaun!" --Aylee
%
"Sir, I assure you the leopard-print wallpaper in your room is not made
from real animals." --Clerk at the hotel desk
%
"You killed my fish!" "Why does that pickle you?" "Now I fight for wisdom."
"Your words scratch the back of my eyes." "YOU?!" "My feet hurt...with
DESTINY!" --the Torg Dream Fighters
%
"We can't go there! A gymnastic assassin may be waiting for me to arrive,
determined to kill any girl named Zoe out of jealousy!" --Torg
%
"I'm the muscle!" --Kiki
%
"We're sisters! I mean, I'm his sister! He can't be a 'sister' because he's
a GUY! Not that I NOTICED he's a guy..." --Sasha
%
"I had a flower to give you for a wedding present, but I ate it." --Kiki
%
"Torg, after dinner I'm going to sew us together with industrial-strength
cord." --Oasis
%
"But I only eat potatoes now! So are we friends again, Zoe?" --Aylee
%
"According to last week's memo, we're supposed to be mortally wounded and
die in somebody's arms just before revealing vital information like that."
--Member of Hereti-Corp
%
"Sorry, my angst-train derailed for a minute there." --Riff
%
"By the way, this is the most unconventional game of poker I've EVER
played." --The Bug
%
"'Hey, our friend is in a coma, let's freak him out if-and-when he comes
to!' What's WRONG with you people?" --Torg
%
"Kiki, did you put ALL the urine samples back EXACTLY where you found them?
...Want to explain to the nice nurse outside why my results came back 'apple
juice'?" --Torg
%
"The most dramatic program of the new season that I've ever never seen
yet." --Some guy over there
%
"Tonight. An ending you won't believe. From a program you never saw. And
it's not even on yet." --Ad for a TV show
%
"That, my dear ferret, was rare roast beef with white American and
dijonaise on Dutch potato bread! CHARGE!" --Torg
%
"I KNEW you were the one eating Riff's scented candles! They all thought it
was that weirdo who used to smell Zoe's shoes." --Torg
%
"Um...hi, Officer Guard Person! I came to see Oasis! I mean, Jane Doe! I'm
a nun!" --Kiki
%
"How did Operation 'Mail Myself Cheese' go?" --Torg
%
"If you don't care, why did you just weld your belt-buckle to this
thingie?" --Zoe
%
"Oh powerful shadow, I summon and bind thee to this magic looking
circle-thingy I drew on the ground!" --Bun-Bun
%
"For my next trick, I'm going to pull a tiny ferret brain from behind your
ear!" --Bun-Bun
%
"I'm not sure if this puddle is decomposing laundry, rotting food, or
primordial soup." --Zoe
%
"Fluffy? Scurry that way really quickly!" --Aylee
%
"Um, Zoe? Why did Torg just tear off his clothes and hop out the window
making monkey sounds?" --Gwynn
%
"The head of a caribou is not a valid form of ID." --The carder guy at a bar
%
"Pa? Why don't I have poison glands and two pairs of maxillae?" --Torg
%
"You mean they don't give you lots of money when you go bankrupt? ...That's
un-American!" --Torg
%
"I'm making a death-ray gun out of straws and ice cubes!" --Riff
%
"Just take the path lined with mummified human husks." --Brownbeak
%
"So, if your invention was a breakfast cereal, how nutritious would it be?"
--Mark
%
"True freedom is found by looking within mountains filled with lava." --Riff
%
"I'm going to kill Gwynn. No, wait. I was the one who picked out this
outfit. Can't kill myself... I know! I'll kill Riff! I can ALWAYS kill
Riff." --Zoe
%
"Riff barbecued all my old clothes." --Zoe
%
"Gwynn wrapped a tree around you and tried to squeeze you to death!" --Torg
%
"Hi, Mom? It's Zoe. ...Calm down, Mom! Nothing's wrong. I'm not in the
hospital. No, I'm not at some 'rabe' tripping on 'etcetera'!" --Zoe
%
"Straight-pins vs. inflatable technology. The straight-pin always wins."
--Riff
%
"I could take you with me, Torg! I'd have to pull you through the bars.
It'd kind of be like pushing play-doh through a sieve." --Bun-Bun
%
"We have no choice! Let's do that cool move that wins the battle!" --Secret
Angel Princess-Princess
%
"We've done our duty like men. Now is the time to cry like babies."
--Somebody on a ship
%
"If you know EVERYTHING about me, what number am I thinking of now?" --Lord
Grader
%
"Little does anyone know that Princess-Princess is Secret Angel
Princess-Princess! That sounds really stupid when I say it out loud."
--Secret Angel Princess-Princess
%
"It's not a universe at all! It's a PUNYVERSE! Because it's...um...puny and
stuff." --Torg
%
"You're General Benedict in a dress! I can tell!" --Secret Leader Weatherman
%
"Here he comes, Lord Grater, Lord Grater, he's smarter than a small
potater..." --Lord Grater's theme song
%
"We do not, NEVER have, NEVER will, even even CONSIDER not EATING PEOPLE
never! NEVER!" --Representative for the Guacans of Chau-5
%
"And this is our pet snoorf, who, believe it or not, is actually Secret
Snoorfy Snoorfsnoorf!" --Secret Leader Weatherman
%
"Ok, so we accidentally slow roast and eat people in self-defense!" --Vacado
%
"Less debating, more panicking!" --Torg
%
"Oh boy, oh boy! I'm gonna get it. Gonna get da sun. Oh boy, oh boy, oh
boy!" --Scooter the Cascade-Puppy of Doom
%
"Wait! I have another idea! We put the shuttlepod on extremely precise
autopilot, then we all ride piggyback on it like a wave-runner and dive
through the portal at the last possible moment!" --Torg
%
"Four years of nifty darn comics, four years of nifty darn comics, four
years of nifty darn co-o-omics, you parked this ship on my thigh! You parked
this ship on my thigh, you parked this ship on my thigh, for years of nifty
darn co-o-mics, you parked this ship on my thigh!" --Kiki, Gwynn, Torg, and
Riff, singing
%
"If ah ran over these flars with mah truck, do they count as roadkill?"
--Clem
%
"You don't HAVE to sleep in the tub, we just thought it was funny!" --Riff
%
"Eek! Her irises and pupils just turned into dollar signs! Demon realtor!
Demon realtor!" --Torg "Sandwiches? The house comes with sandwiches? We're
sold!" --Torg and Riff
%
"Banana-ketchup is a scary condiment until you learn to embrace it." --Torg
%
"I've seen dishes go flying across the room, crashing, doors slamming,
paintings spinning, candles floating... It's the bestest house EVER! It's
not like there's anything scary going on, like doing laundry!" --Kiki
%
"Who's-a this 'Torg'? Mama Mia, I already tell you; I'm Turg le Turgturg,
Swedish webdesign guru! I come der in peace-en!" --Torg
%
"Today's Sesame Street was brought to Torg by the letter 'H.'" --Riff
%
"Operation Run Around Willy-Nilly revealed that the guards are alert and
don't pack lethal force." --Riff
%
"You're looking so, um, fine, and...stuff...words..." --Torg
%
"Gwynn, I told you to hold all my calls. All of them! FOREVER!" --Aylee
%
"Maybe you'll talk to Happy-Wilson-Glow-Mouth!" --Torg
%
"Her name was 'Brie.' She was named after cheese! How scary could she be?"
--Torg
%
"You're leaving before the alien-pumpkin-pie autopsy?" --Angela
%
"Oh, sure, Riff may carry around an arsenal or two but he's harmless." --Torg
%
I wish I had a case of crabs! I'd call all my friends and say, "Come on
over guys, let's have a raging party! I got a raging case of crabs!" --Torg 
%
Nice to know the ultimate battle between good and evil will be fought with
missile-launchers! --Torg 
%
Oh yeah, the girl from the park! Didn't recognize you conscious, upright,
and unmangled. --Torg 
%
The evil is here! Ask the pope in the woods. The bars hold us to the place!
The clock drags us to the time! I see them! This is their grave, your grave!
The tendrils of burnt flesh ensnares the feeble willed! I like pistachio ice
cream. There is evil here! I see them, can't you? Maybe your eyeballs are in
the way! Pluck, pluck... --Random guy in jail 
%
What I am thankful for is pure and unalienable. It is a right for which I
have nothing but gratitude. The right to shoot all telemarketers on site!
--Bun-Bun 
%
You plan to use the dead in military actions by having them assault the
enemy with gut-wrenching puns? This is even more insidious than I thought!
--Qwirky Waltons 
%
Thank you, one and all! I love my fans. If you all weren't drooling
perverted insensitive clods, I'd be out of a job! --Dr. Lorna 
%
I don't know what scares me more, the thought of actually having an affair
with Val, or the fact that I derive my morals from tabloid talkshows. --Torg 
%
I'm sorry I missed my deadlines, but please give me another chance! I was
stressed out for a little while, but I'm ok now. Could you hold on a minute?
My secretary just exploded." *click* "Hello? Hello? I should really stop
being so honest with clients. --Torg 
%
Living next to a violent carnivorous alien can have its advantages. --Zoe 
%
You're right, I should have called in sick. I'm still a bit under the
weather, but I just wanted to drop by for a minute to dangle you off the
observatory and murder your son! --Gwynn/K'Z'K 
%
We can't condone your violent motives so we'll have to force ourselves to
forget they exist! --Relatives of the Easter bunny. 
%
My world is a crotch! --Bert 
%
It's tough to run with both feet stuck in your mouth --Zoe's evil side 
%
Nopers! I'm going to do my best to distortify the English languagism
thingies! --Muffin, the Vampire Baker 
%
Well, my work here is done. If you need me again, just admit to yourself
that you're screwed and die. --Dr. Schlock 
%
'And lo, the Huns and other Germanic tribes did drape evergreens with the
intestines of their slain enemies to ward their encampment against
intruders.' And that, Torg, is where garland on Christmas trees comes
from... It's true! I read it on the internet! --Riff 
%
And the celebration has gone off without trouble. As we head into the new
millenium, we'd like to applaud the winner of our voter's choice award for
the greatest movie of the entire millenium: 'Pokemon: The First Movie'.
There is still time to vote for the most influential person of the
millenium. The contenders are: Britney Spears, Nostradamus, Will Smith,
Michaelangelo (the turtle), and Pikachu! We now present to you the ultimate
rock anthem which has stood the test of time, Kid Rock's 'Bawitadaba!'
--Stone Johnson 
%
I didn't expect her to counter my plan with nakedness! --Riff 
%
Oasis's wedding is ruined, knives are flying, Gwynn's pupils have omminously
vanished and she's having clothes-issues. There are just so many reasons to
run for my life, I"m having trouble settling on just one! --Torg 
%
A dynamic character with an ability to survive certain death, and a
questionable death scene leaving no corpse? Face it, we'll never see her
again! --Riff 
%
Bob, here, got a unique Bazooka-Joe comic with his gum. A printing error
caused the words of the comic to blur into the exact wording of runes of
evil power. When he read the comic out loud (because he didn't get it),
poof! I possessed him. --Skippy the demon 
%
Hello. Welcome to Bun-Bun's Theatre of Whores. Oh, wait. I misread this. It
says theater of 'horrors', not 'whores.' OK, so this story just got 400%
less interesting. --Bun-Bun 
%
I'm Mrs. Glee, but you can call me 'plot device to determine setting.'
--Mrs. Glee 
%
That night he came to our door. I was face to face with the devil himself.
It was as if the shadows themselves rushed to his side and clinged to him
like drunk bimbos at one of those new-fangled heavy metal concerts! Damn
devil-music! --Mr. Glee 
%
A grown man punting a kitten who was looking the other way... It was the
bravest thing I've ever seen. --Torg 
%
I hate alternate timelines. They make for messy bookkeeping. --SquishyDodo 
%
I felt a great disturbance in the force. As if a significant plotline
suddenly cried out in terror... and was suddenly silenced. --Torg 
%
See these two kielbasas I'm cooking? Let's say they represent a politician's
experience. Most people think the longer the better, but some say it doesn't
matter as long as you can maintain an election. --Torg 
%
How non-clich�that the one guy who can explain what happened is delusional
and holding a bomb. --Skimpymoomoo 
%
Yay! Squidshydodo saved Christmas! Um... except for the fact that by blowing
up Santa's workshop, and Santa in the process, you kind of ruined Christmas.
--Skimpymoomoo 
%
Before you kick my butt for unloading my problems on you, just keep in mind
that I am an overworked pseudo-postal-worker. --Sasha 
%
I just kissed a girl named ...something... --Bun-Bun 
%
Did you just see a drunken rabbit hop by with my bottle of 151-rum? --Riff 
%
Not that that's a bad thing! I was just curious! I admire impatience.
It's... um... neat-o! --Skippy the demon 
%
Your fighting style smells of gorgonzola! --Torg 
%
The robot is fully armored in heat-treated, triple-folded titanium. It can
resist high-powered artillery blasts or a point-blank Senate ethics
committee hearing. -- Riff 
%
So if you step out of line I'm supposed to get midlevel on your asps. --Kiki 
%
EEEEK! A rodent in the kitchen! How 'third world'! --Sparky the waiter 
%
Ow! Ow! Ow! I was playing the world's smallest violin for you and dropped
the darn thing down my ear. --Bun-bun 
%
'Hey, our friend is in a coma, let's freak him out if-and-when he comes to!'
What's wrong with you people? --Torg 
%
She's actually kind of fun company when she's not playing jump rope with my
catheter --Torg 
%
No one's ever come back from trying. Take the path lined with mummified
lifeless husks. --Brownbeak 
%
Torg, sometimes a cigar is a cigar and a pink slip is ladies underwear. --Riff 
%
No Mom, I'm not at some 'rabe' tripping on 'etcetera'! --Zoe 
%
--Package Maintainers note--: If your favorite sluggy quote is not in here,
drop me a line at meme@daughtersoftiresias.org.